Brainstorming

Again I can't stop thinking about this business venture and the main thought is how could I make this work.

Obviously we need a business loan but is it possible for me to do something that will let me be approved for it instead of my dad? Currently my situation has left me with a loan credit score for the mere fact that my debt ratio is too high. Equifax states that my credit score is 646...lower then the average Canadian. My debt is approximately $28000 with a little less then 1/2 in credit cards. Now here's what I'm wondering...

1. How fast does it take to change my credit score if its only being affected by my debt ratio? If I had my dad consolidate my loans and put them in his name right now, would I be a good risk for a lender?
2. If I consolidate my loans and reduce the limits on my credit cards would I boost my credit score?
3. With out assets (except the business) would I be a candidate for a loan? with or with out my credit score/debt ratio?
4. Does it make more sense for me to get the loan then my dad? if so what would I have to do if I needed to move fast on it?
5. Are they expecting me to come up with 25%

Its still very dependent on what my dad wants to do but if possible I would like to be part on the loan and business purchase process. So impatient right now!

Progressing

K is starting an animal sanctuary. Not talking about starting one but actually doing it. She's registered the name and is filing for incorporation. Its interesting that shortly after our friendship ends she finally finds the drive and initiative to follow one of her dreams. Makes me wonder if we were still talking if this would have happened. If perhaps we held each other back. I'm happy that she's doing it though. Envious that I'm not taking as active of a step towards my goals though.

But then I'm stuck waiting for my father to get back from Vegas to find out if its even possible for me to have this bookstore venture. I suppose I am being as active as possible, since I've contacted the agent a few times now and am gathering information. I'm still not in a position that I can broadcast the news to all of my friends though...wish I could but then I'm sure I would jinx it some how. I just hope that someone doesn't come in before me and purchase it!

My other major goal is getting in shape. Last night I told the guys we should have a contest to see who could loose the most first. Of course they both highly doubt that I will be able to accomplish it, based on past experiences of me NOT following through but I'll show them!;) I really want this to happen. I've been walking Mala everyday since Marcia is in Vegas and really enjoying it. I think I'm going to try and accompany Marcia on her evening walks from now on. I also think I'm going to go over to the Running Room and pick up a Pedometer (they are about $30) so that I can see how little I AM walking now and trying to increase it.

Sadly I've realized that my income will take a dip if I do the bookstore, which I know I can survive but my only concern is my debt payment. I'm hoping if this goes through I will be able to consolidate my loans so my interest is a bit more manageable and it won't be an issue.

I have been think though, that if I had the bookstore I could potentially meet some cute boys. This is all assuming that not JUST baby boomers will shop there and that the guys that come in are cute, available & interested in me! But its still WAY better then where I'm at right now. Which is in a dry, dry, dry spell. I'm tired of the dating services and depending on computers to match me with guys they think are compatible. I would LIKE to just meet a guy on the street or through a friend. We'll see. I also don't know if I want anything too serious. As much as Keith seems to think that I would marry the next guy that shows me he cares, I am not sure I would. Granted I am so selective to begin with it looks like that is what I do but I'm not really interested in a marriage right now. I would just like a relationship. But as much as I'm interested in finding a partner I am more interested in getting in shape and completely my other goals like owning my own business, managing my debt and finishing my degree!

Anticiaption

The agent emailed me back and the business still looks appealing. Now I have to wait til my dad gets back from Vegas to talk further and find out what he can do for money. I'm continuously thinking about it and feel abit frustrated because I can't move forward by myself since I am not financially stable or a good credit risk. Kinda discouraging but not enough for me to loose interest. I definitely need to organize my stuff at work if I'm going to go through with this. To make it easy to find a replacement. Stop procrastinating.

Opportunity comes knocking

On Friday I was browsing the commercial real estate listings online and found out that the specialty bookstore "Who Done It" on Lilac (close to my house) is for sale. Its more money then I could possibly come up with on my own at this time...well to be honest ANYTHING is more then I could come up with but the $95k that they are asking wouldn't be unreasonable for my father to obtain from the bank or other resources, which I could set up as a share holder loan and pay back if the business is profitable. Which is what I need to find out. Can it turn a profit every year? Could it afford to pay me a salary?

I emailed the real estate agent this morning to take a step closer to finding out if this is viable but I can not begin to fully express how much I would like this to work. Owning a bookstore is one of my dream businesses. Granted I always imagined it part of my bed and breakfast (in the study) and that my preferred genre is Romance not Mystery but this is too amazing of an opportunity to let slip past me with inaction. Dad is a huge mystery fan and I am more then willing to do my homework and read as many mystery novels as I have too to know whats good.

I'm holding back from telling everyone; my family, Alan & Keith know but that's it. If this doesn't work out I don't want this to look like just one more idea of mine. Granted as soon as I talk to the agent, get a chance to see the financial statements and find out if we can come up with the money, I am more then willing to share with everyone.

Its all I can think about! If it works out I could renovated the store and make it look a lot more Gothic. Warm walls, comfy chairs, dark wood shelves. I could have a little coffee station in the back and my friends & others could come in to visit. I probably don't even need a large staff. I could hire Olivia if I could afford it. and who knows, perhaps I could branch into other specialty genres (ie Romance) if things went well.

I am not a religious person but at this moment I find myself praying to who ever is listening to help me reach this goal. I am not look for an escape, an easy way out, rather this would be a step closer to my 'career' goals and happiness. When others went to school to train for a profession, my goal was to own my own business.

I think my dad will back me on this one and I really want it to work. My personal finances are NOT pretty and that is what makes me anxious about the whole thing.

I also think that I should be able to leave my position here easily. I can prepare comprehensive training course and because I'm leaving to be my own boss I can continue to be available to Hugh in the future if he needs help on something. I need to grow and expand.

Wish me luck!

Padding

I think I'm going to join the YMCA next paycheck. I told myself after my experiences with Shapes & Curves that I wouldn't join again but the weather isn't the most ideal for running outside right now and I no longer have a partner to run with so I'm just not getting out. The Y is a lot cheaper then the other gyms and Marcia & Andrea go on a regular basis so I should be good. Not to mention that I could go straight from work if I wanted.

I need to be in shape for June 17th which is the marathon. I've committed to the half and I think I can do it. Not to mention Kristin's Wedding at the beginning of August, have to look good for that!

My belly dancing starts April 10th but I don't expect to loose any weight or tone what I have at that. Its more of a fun activity that I've always wanted to do.

My class starts April 30th on Mondays & Wednesdays for Professional Style & Editing, the last course before I can graduate, so I won't have those evenings free & Tuesdays I have to leave my house around 7:15 to catch a bus to get to Belly Dancing on Time but Thursday - Sunday & even early Tuesdays I could make it to the gym to hit the treadmill and some weights (ugh, not my favorite thing). I downloaded a playlist from iTunes & Nike for Treadmill training coached by OK Go's lead singer and using their music. It sounds pretty good and entertaining.

I also signed up for a site called sparkpeople.com which helps track weight loss, meal/fitness plans & sets goals. My hardest thing is being restricted to a diet and calorie counting. I think I'm just going to watch what I eat and how much and go from there. I bought groceries for veggie/tuna wraps & salads yesterday so I should be able to throw together so healthier lunches & quick suppers. I would also like to purchase a pair of rubber boots/shoes to go on walks with Marcia & Mala, so that I can avoid wet feet for the next month or so, not sure if I will though.

My new black bra came in yesterday and when I put it on I did it up with the tightest snaps as usual and notice that I looked like a fat cow with a roll of back fat appearing above and below it. I readjusted to the middle snaps but I'm not impressed with my body image right now. I don't mind a little padding on my curves but I would really like to feel sexy and right now I don't.

My goal is to loose 30lbs, when I've done 15lbs I'm rewarding myself with tanning minutes...until then I'm shit out of luck and will look pasty white. Yuck.

Same old, same old

I'm actually really working today, I don't even feel inclined to procrastinate but its rounding on noon and I figured I should make an entry into the good old blog. Hugh and I are suppose to have interviews with potential programs at 1pm today at the university of Manitoba and I can NOT reach him. I've been calling all morning and he's not picking up. Its beyond frustrating that he isn't reliable like this. I don't have a vehicle to get there by myself and even if I did I don't know what kind of questions to ask by myself!! (Never mind...I just got a hold of him)

Apparently Alan's ex is single again and yesterday they were both going to a concert. He mentioned that he might end up sleeping with her. I asked if he thought he could handle something like that, sex for the sake of sex. He figured that if I could then so could he. I responded that I CAN'T. Which I suppose confused him as I've been claiming to do just that with his roommate.

I didn't get to further explain as he had to go to work and I'm not sure he will ever bring it up again. I'm curious to see if he will and if I will be honest or come up with the usual bullshit.

Last night I feel asleep very early (like 8:30-9) and was up ever 15mins after 4:30am this morning. Yet I still managed to leave the house late. Imagine that. I should probably clean the house tonight and attempt work on the bookkeeping course. I wonder if I actually will.

100 mile diet BBQ

Marcia is talking about having a 100 mile diet BBQ on Earth Day which I think is an excellent idea and great way to test out how well we can eat when we have to watch where we shop. Makes me excited to start living a more sustainable lifestyle.

We talked about looking into buying a place in Clearwater, MB and building a sustainable house (wind/solar energy, large garden, etc) that we could commute to on the weekends & for vacations. Kind of abit hypocritical since to commute we would be using fuel and polluting the environment but if we get a green car (hybrid or something that runs on a renewable energy source) it wouldn't be as bad, especially when car pooling. It would be fun.

We are also planning on landscaping our yard and renovation the outside of the house this spring. I want it to be a place thats inviting for company so that we can entertain outside with out being ashamed but at the same time not cost us a fortune. Apparently Marcia and Davide what to come up with a log book that would track each of our contributions in an hourly format since they feel I didn't contribute at all last year. Annoying but I'm not going to make a fuss. I've learnt that we apparently don't see eye to eye on everything and that it isn't worth arguing about. Also this way it covers my butt when I DO do stuff and they can't turn around say I don't because they didn't see me do it. The idea is if we put the work in now on mantaining a nice yard/house we will profit from it when we finally sell or at least refinance in a few years.

Random Ideas

Last night I showed some initiative and walked to Safeway/Movie Village at 5 to pick up food for supper and the next DVDs in the TV series we are watching. I was in the mood for chicken Alfredo so I ended up spending $50 on groceries & the majority went to just that dinner. Oh well, I'm impressed that I actually managed to pack myself a lunch of leftovers including a salad. Something I haven't done in a long time.

I enjoy cooking now that I'm also feeding Graeme and Olivia. We rarely eat together as they work different hours then me but I feel like a 50s house wife, all domestic...something I so rarely am...when I prepare their plates, cover them & leave them in the oven til they get home.

We even had some wine in the house to top off the meal so I'm declaring it a success. Now I just need to continue this on a regular basis. I was doing so when back in January & the beginning of February but then I had my little mental breakdown and lost the motivation. This is my first step to be proactive again.

Watched Buffy last night and ended up crying like a big baby again. The last two episodes were the ones where her mother dies and are completely different then the usual humorous satire that the show delivers. Makes you want to find your own mother and hug her. A good sign that I'm done with the self pity is that after the cry I was back to my cheerful self and didn't continue to cry.

In Angel they've introduced Fred into the story now. I had forgotten that her full name was Winifred. I've decided that this is what I will name my future daughter. I have wanted a girl named Fred(dy) and assumed I would give her Frederica as a full name, which I'm not that found of, never thinking of Winifred. Usually I'm completely opposed to naming your children after their relatives, that they should have their own unique name but I think this would be nice and fitting. I felt very close to my great grandma before she passed and she was a wonderful woman, so I'm making an exception.

This morning Marcia and I were taking about real estate. Mostly because the neighbors just sold their house for $127k & had listed it at $99k. Apparently the house was in worse shape then ours and needs a lot of work. Our other neighbors sold their house 1.5 yrs ago for $155k but they had put in new siding. Our mortgage is around $100k and we just added the garage so one would think that we could probably make a decent penny on it right now. The only difference between ours and the other 2 is that ours is a duplex & theirs was a single family dwelling. I think though if we added a door to connect the two suites we could market it as an either/or which is very appealing to first time home buyers. Who DOESN'T want to have some pay their mortgage for them? I would also like to redo the floors, the upstairs bathroom, & the yard but we could probably get away with not putting up new siding. The question is do we want to sell now when in a few years we could refinance to get enough for down payments on our own places and leave this one as a rental.

I looked into condos in Winnipeg right now that have 2 or more bedrooms and the price starts around $150k for something that isn't completely cramped, which is what I expected. Sadly with my outstanding debt and single salary I currently qualify for a $40k mortgage even with $25k down. Apparently if I had NO debt payments they might approve me for $90k but that's unlikely to happen anytime soon, I can reduce it but not completely get rid of it. My plan is to own my own place by 2010 and I'm not going to assume that I will be in serious relationship by then that I would want to commit to buying a house with them so my only other option to increase my household income quickly is partnering with one of my friends. More then likely Alan. Now I just need to pay down the debt and convince him!

Still working on the living in the now idea as well as putting a stop to my procrastination. Its hard when you get into a routine, even if that routine is unhealthy...especially if its unhealthy. I am trying to think thoughts of proactiveness and positiveness. So to go along with the lists that I already have I'm going to create one of the things I want to do if things like money and responsibilities weren't available as excuses, perhaps then I can find away to do them!

1. Learn Belly Dancing - I've already signed up and will start in April!
2. Take Kickboxing - check the leisure guide and the river osborne community centre
3. Take a course/tutorial on webdesign & using the Macromedia suites, also learn server administration
4. Backpack around Europe (especially Scotland) - research on hostels
5. Teach ESL in Asia - potientially more research on hostels
6. Volunteer abroad
7. Start my own business (probably in Winnipeg) combining the ideas of a coffee house, music/concerts, & a hostel - need business plan and location first
8. Buy a loft style condo that has 3or more bedrooms -this way I can have roommates!
9. Get a tattoo with a celtic/norse design & one with an astrology significance.
10. Change my diet to support a sustainable living lifestyle and eat locally (100 mile diet idea)
11. Own a classic beach cruiser bike with basket
12. Weigh approx 135lbs and reduce my waist size down to at least an '8'
13. Build a sustainable cottage that relies on wind and solar energy.
14. Reduce my meat diet to only poultry & fish, and those that were 'free ranged' & NOT factory slaughtered

Living for the NOW

Its interesting that I am able to forget about my responsibilities when I'm depressed or at least not care about them. I suppose that's why its called depression. Anyways now that I've reverted back to my usual self I'm overwhelmed with the things that I've been putting off.

At work this includes:

1. Completing my bookkeeping course before June
2. Finding and hiring designers, builders and other employees, as well as securing grant money
3. Finishing the moodle training courses
4. Getting the online application running for this season's use
5. Setting up incorporated companies for our partnerships and advertising
6. Completing my task list that is ridiculously long

In my personal life this includes:

1. Grocery shopping and cooking healthy meals every night (not to mention preparing breakfasts & lunches!!)
2. Cleaning out my room of all the crap that can either be tossed or donated
3. Selling my novels or doing SOMETHING with them
4. Start training for the marathon again - making a running playlist so I have no excuses!
5. Finish my university degree by June - which means actually attending the class
6. Finding a ESL course to take in the evenings
7. Filing for a passport
8. Managing my budget to actively pay off my debt
9. Start working on a business plan for a coffee shop or hostel here in Winnipeg - which means doing possible research (getting a side job doing one of these?) - also get out of the house to work on this, a coffee house?

I'm sure the lists could go on and I'm motivated enough in my current mood to do something but now I'm kinda overwhelmed, as usual, and don't know what to do first!! I suppose I should just start at the top.

I am trying to be less forward thinking though. I think that's what gets me every time. I set out these elaborate goals and expectations and when I don't come close to meeting the deadline I get discouraged. Its hard for me to think in the 'now' only though. I envy those that can, sometimes. Its what has made it hard for me to grasp the idea of dating casually. For me I always have to see that there is a possibility for more, otherwise whats the point?

Since the new year I have past up a few opportunities to try the casual dating. I keep telling myself that I can do this but when they call and leave messages I don't call back. Its not that I'm opposed to dating, if the right guy called and asked me out I would go...I need some assertiveness from them though. Perhaps I'm not ready to live that much in the now, yet. Maybe I should just work on myself, and getting me in order before I try to fit others in.

Wouldn't it be great if life came with an operating manual?

Getting advice in the cards

I am totally biased when I read my tarot cards on the computer. They seem to be consistent with my current problems/issues and I enjoy doing it but they can also be pretty vague and open to interpretation. This is where I start to have a problem.

I received a free 11 card Celtic cross reading because it was my birthday and then decided to buy a love cross reading because why not! The first reading was pretty straight forward, it talked about how I recently went through a rocky road with a friend and that I have a 50/50 shot at repairing it if I want. That I need to rely on past experiences to grow and that I will soon work things out with where my place is in the world.

The second reading is not so generalized and focuses on my romantic relationships...or in my case, the lack of them. The problem is that although it was also pretty accurate of the situation I don't know how to read it.

The first card, the Love & Me one, was the 2 of swords which means
When you are conflicted with a possible partner, spend some time gathering information before taking action.The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself with regard to possible intimacy in your life.With the Two of Swords in this position, indecision prevails, and there are no obvious clues to help you decide which relationship choices to make. Opposing forces seem to pull you apart. When this happens, the left brain is arguing with the right, and reason is in conflict with the heart. Although this is a difficult and painful position, timeless wisdom says to follow your heart. Resist trying to judge the situation in precise, rigid terms. Continue to gather clues, be receptive to new information, but choose with your heart. This time of confusion may turn out to be a fertile period for you. Do not squander your energy on premature action

So first off it says flat out that I'm stuck in indecision and that there are no obvious answers, thanks a lot! Second I can't determine if I should read it like its referring to potential new relationships that I have yet to pursue or met, that I should look into pursuing them or if I take the advice as if its referring to him. I just feel that when I get readings like this they are tell me that a potentially relationship could happen between us in the future and that I should stick with it. Especially with further cards like:

the Love Advice one where I drew the Queen of Swords - Trust your own decisions. Exercise as much independence as you know you can handle right now.The card in the Love Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible.The Queen of Swords in this position advises that you avoid being dependent on others at this time. Instead of investing a lot of hope in promises that may have been made -- even by people close to you -- focus only on those ambitions and coming relationship desires that you can accomplish yourself. This Queen doesn't want to wait and see what others think, say, or do. She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it. Neither does she ask permission nor subject herself to too much influence. There are times in life when no one can take care of you as well as you can. Leave sentimentality behind and take action. Make important decisions for yourself, because you are the one who will have to live with the consequences. - Does this mean I should just grow some balls and say wtf? Why can't we be in a relationship? I don't think I could do that...its so unlikely that I would get even close to the response I want and then what do you do? Not to mention I'm not really sure I want what I think I want. What happens if I got a relationship and then it didn't work. I lost interest or realized its a mistake...uncertainty abound. Way safer to just let things lie.

My long term potential card pulled the Fool and read Your next relationship is unpredictable, though the likelihood exists for something good to happen. Great, just great! So what does that mean. Should I do something about it or continue to go with the flow!!!?

See this is why I would prefer to go in person to have Cynthia do my reading because then you can ask advice from an unbiased third party. Granted the downfall is that I might not like what she has to say. Ugh, I make everything into such drama.

Peppy

This weekend I wasn't mopey. I felt back to my old self again. I hope this lasts and I'm out of my slump because that got old fast!

We'll see.

Not 19 anymore

Well I'm 25 now and boooooooooooooy do I feel it this morning, or maybe that's the hang over talking. Last night Alan, Keith and I went for sushi for my birthday since we didn't get to go to Minneapolis and somewhere between my glass of wine at dinner and going back to their place to watch Super Troopers they convinced me that I should drink with them, regardless of the fact that I had to be a work for 7:30 this morning. Needless to say I look pretty darn hot right now since I slept on their couch, walked home this morning and only had enough time to brush my teeth before I got a ride with Marcia to work. I think the thing that left my body crying in pain though wasn't so much the extreme amount of alcohol I ingested or lack of sleep on an uncomfortable couch but the less then graceful fall I took leaving their apartment. Stupid icy sidewalks. I completely wiped out and god does my butt and arms hurt right now.

Also let me just say that alcohol makes me think really stupid ideas aren't so bad. The guys were drunk before me and decided that watching Super Troopers in our underwear would be the funnest thing in the world. I disagreed. They said fine, you can just wear your underwear & a t-shirt. I disagreed. They then convinced me to take 4 (I think...lost track) shots in a row, threw water all down my shirt and pants, and then asked again. I agreed.

So here we are watching a movie in our underwear...why I don't know...it made sense at the time...and I get up to go to the bathroom. When I come back it takes me a few seconds to register that they are fully clothed! Of course they threw everything on so fast that they were wearing each others shirts...which is funny because Keith is waaaaaay smaller then Alan and just swam in his shirt. I couldn't be mad though because it was hilarious. They had been sitting there so calmly that I didn't even notice at first. Of course because I was completely drunk I didn't think that meant I had to change back. why bother? especially since my stuff was still wet.

Saturday I was nice and drunk too but at least I didn't sit around in my underwear with my two male best friends. I did have them try and pimp me out to a guy they knew at the concert we went to though. Alan "This is my friend Carmen, do you want to sleep with her?" Guy [a little taken aback] Keith "It'll only cost you a beer" Me [half glare/ half laughing] Guy [probably embarrassed as he left shortly after that].

Times like this I wonder if I drink too much now...oh well I had lots of fun this weekend even if I am paying for it right now. We are going out for Carlos and Murphy's tonight but I'm hoping I can't sneak a nap in before.

Plan of attack?

I dragged myself off my bed last night to take a walk with Marcia, even though I fore warned her that I was full of self pity and emotional turmoil. Apparently that was acceptable company well she walked Mala.

We had a nice talk about how I'm obviously cracking now, with good reason, that I need to except that I have some issues and that I should find some ways to get out of my slump rather then continuing to mope. She thinks I should be more sociable and try dating again. She's probably right.

The longer I pull away from people and focus on my depression, the longer it will continue. Not that I should bury it and ignore my problems but continuing on this way isn't helping.

Things to look forward too:

1. Starting Belly Dancing with Kayla and Olivia in April
2. Running in the Marathon in June with Kristin
3. Kristin's wedding in August
4. Potentially moving to Asia in the fall
5. Finishing my humanity requirement & finally graduating from University
6. The fact that I'm making a wage now that allows me to afford to pay off my debt in a reasonable amount of time
7. Work on finishing my bookkeeping course
8. Maybe I should volunteer at some sort of organization...but what?

I think I need to focus on a plan of attack. Even if I don't stick to it in the long run it should help me pull myself out of this slump.

The cherry

Lately I'm a roller coaster of emotions. Today I was super excited, our tickets finally showed up & it looked like everything was a go for our trip. Then I log on to myspace when I get home from work and find out Small Sins had to cancel, Scissor Sisters will still be on but that wasn't the plan and now everything is ruined. Keith is bailing because he wants to be able to afford a trip to Vancouver to see his sister & this gives him an easy out. I can't blame him either. Alan & I could still go but I just don't feel like its as exciting anymore. I'm literally close to tears. If I let myself I'm sure I would start crying.

I'm so frustrated!! Why am I so emotional lately?

I was hoping this trip would be a nice moral booster for myself and now things just keep on sucking.

I meant to just write that I was annoyed that my trip was ruined and now I'm all depressed again. This sucks. I hate that the majority of my entries have been so mopey and self pitying. I'm not usually like this! I'm a happy, optimistic person and yet I just feel so lost lately. That I don't understand myself. That my rational self has disconnected from my emotional one. The things that make me me aren't working as a team! and I don't know how to fix it. And since I so desperately want to its killing me.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Fickle & Shallow, a lethal combination

I amaze myself with how fickle I am. One minute my life is over, the next I'm determined to quit my job and open a business, then move to another country, I like him, I'm over him, I love my job, I hate it. I can't keep up with my moods sometimes, how can I expect others too!

Its funny that I criticize some of my friends all the time for being fickle and always changing their minds on things, when I do the exact same thing. Perhaps K was right when she said I'm a hypocrite.

I don't mind that I change my mind all the time, I feel that I'm still in that 'finding' stage of my life so I shouldn't always have my ideas and emotions set in stone but I hope that that is what it is...a stage. I'm sure to drive myself insane if I'm like this for the rest of my life.

I was thinking last night that perhaps the reason I think I like him so much lately is more because of the idea of what he represents then just him. Don't get me wrong, I do like him, regardless of why, always have but maybe the reason that I've been think about him lately is because I feel that I can't find what I want out there and he's conveniently there. Most guys that I meet when I'm out or even the guys that I talk to online are meh. Although nice, they just don't seem to ignite a spark in me. I'm sure this is partly my own fault as I'm shallow/picky, I know this, and the guys I meet don't measure up to my version of cool, attractiveness, intelligence or all of the above. Some days I think I'm asking too much to find a cute and funny indie or geeky boy. I see them all over the place but maybe I'm not their type! Which just thinking that gives me a huge blow to my self esteem, how could I NOT be some one's type...right!? So how do I meet them and not get stuck in the friend zone all the time?!

I suppose if I move to Asia for a year I could meet someone there but that's at least 6 months away. I know I can wait but do I want too? I feel like I need a plan of action but I don't know where to start. Soooooooo frustrating. And knowing my fickleness I could decide tomorrow that this is a waste of time and I'd rather be single, & lose all motivation.

Keeping Secerts

I rarely keep secrets about myself. I may not tell everyone, perhaps only one person, but once I've realized I have a secret I need to tell someone.

If its only a matter of not sharing my feelings on something that's fine. I can't really articulate myself anyways so secret's safe but once the wonderful world of blogging was discovered I've gradually found away around expressing myself.

First I had a myspace account, which I wrote my feelings and secrets in but as more people read it, I turned the posts to friends only view and then as my 'friends' grew to include bands and acquaintances I switched that blog to a generic update of my life and created a xanga account set as private with only a select few knowing about it. But then I started tell a few friends here and there about it and now it isn't so private anymore. I seem helpless to stop my need to share. But there are just some things that I can't tell everyone. Things I don't want everyone to read. And yet sitting and think about them makes things worse so I started this blog as a personal journal that only I read. Private.

But now its starting again. I want someone to know! I still feel like its a secret, although it feels better just writing it down, it still bothers me that I carry it alone. But who do you tell? I don't want feedback really...I don't think. I definitely don't want judgement. And who can you trust with your inner most thoughts. Do they even want to know?

Sometimes I think a part of me is way to emo for my own good.

More sharing with myself

A friend that I had stopped talking to because of some comments she had said back in October messaged me today. I doubt she knew I had decided to stop talking to her as we rarely correspond unless we are making plans to meet up with each other when one of us are in the others town.

We had gone on a trip with one of my best friends to another friend's wedding in Alberta and she had crossed too many lines that weekend. She is notoriously outspoken and can come off rude at times but she means well and is very caring. That weekend she made continued insults about my relationship with my ex and how she knew it would never have worked (like I want to hear this! It wasn't a great breakup but I thought I loved him when we were together). And to put the cherry on the top she decided to start an argument with me about homosexuals and their right to have children, knowing full well that two of my best friends are a married gay couple looking to have a kid, not to mention that I'm quite pro on the subject. So I figured, fuck it. I'm not going to continue to fight with her, I understand other people have different views but once you turn rude and insulting of my views I don't want to associate with you.

I had told myself that I wasn't going to talk to her anymore but when she message me this morning I responded...I can't hold grudges long and it was just a 'hello, whatcha doing' comment. Turns out she's on her way to the city and wanted to get together tonight. Regardless of my commitment to not talk to her anymore, I agreed. She's been a friend for ever and I suppose I shouldn't hold it against her that her views are so polar to mine on many subjects. I just refuse to get into these discussions with her ever again.

When asked whats new with me, I told her, among other things, that I had slept with him a few times. Her response was that she wasn't surprised and assumed it would have happened sooner or later. This isn't the first friend from back home to say this. Really? It was that obvious? Do they think that about all my guy friends from high school or just him? She of course assumed we were dating and I had to explain that it had a been a friends with benefits situation that was on hiatus now that he's pursuing another girl (not to mention he was having difficulties with the idea of sleeping with a friend), that we were still best friends though. She asked how that could not be awkward.

Its not. I don't let it. Partly because I never once let myself belief that there could be anymore. I separated sex from my emotions for him. I won't deny that I've always had feels but I let them surround my friendship with him. My untouchable relationship. My crush, if you will. But the sex, although good, is just that...sex. I didn't become awkward or emotionally attached after we finally got together because I already was and already knew how to deal with them and separate it from my interactions from him. I'm sure when we look deeply into this we will see how unhealthy this is but it works for me. Its not stopping me from pursue other relationship or ending ours.

I didn't tell her this...I don't tell anyone this. I'm sure they would think I'm nuts or try to convince me how terrible it is and I should stop it. Or worse, feel sorry for me. I am comfortable with it, even on the days that I'm jealous or mopey because at least I feel for some one. Its my little personal melodrama.

This always happens

He just messaged me to say that the girl our friend was interested in is actually interested in him. And he of course likes her...of course. Our friend had asked her on a date and she agreed but suggested the he come too. Apparently she made it clear that she is actually way more interested in dating him and they flirted all night. He plans to ask her out.

Great.

Well tell that to the butterflies that erupted in my stomach as soon as I read this. Fucking great. I hate that I let myself invest any emotions into him. I know that he won't reciprocate them. Not to the level I want. Hell I don't even KNOW what I want. But when ever he starts showing interest, let alone dating someone I get all jealous for a few minutes until my rational self steps in and says that it isn't like we are in a relationship or that he didn't already tell you that there would be NO relationship.

Its actually good though because as soon as my butterflies subside I start thinking straight again and realize that we AREN'T together and its NOT happening so I should stop this game of denial & get back into the dating game. Which I did by logging back onto plentyoffish.com. Thing is that I'm considering moving in the fall and I'm not sure I'm interested in dating right now but then that's just another excuse to not make changes in my life again. Just like fixating on him is.

I am so emotionally fucked up!

Change

After everything that has been going on lately and my obvious mood swings to the depressive & unmotivated state, my sister mentioned that perhaps I need a change of pace. A new location rather then just a new job. I tend to think that I'm running away from my problems when I consider something like this. That if I have to move to another country its because I can't deal with my current situation but then she made another insightful comment. I shouldn't think of this as running away but rather trying a new opportunity. That perhaps I've grown out of this phase in my life and the fact that I continue to stay in it is what is making me unhappy, I need a change and a new challenge. She's probably right. I just always seem to find reasons NOT to make that change.

My current reasons to avoid change are:

1. I just got a large salary increase that I need to pay off my debts.
2. I have debts! Lots and I can't afford to not pay them off
3. I still need to graduate university and that won't happen til June
4. Kristin's wedding is in August
5. Jackie's wedding is in January

She suggested applying to teach English as a foreign language overseas. A coworker of hers taught in Taiwan for a year and apparently made $4000/month and it cost her $300/month to live. If this is true then my reason's 1 & 2 are null and void because that's more then enough (even 1/2 of that!) to match what I'm making now & allow me to continue to pay off my debt.

Since most programs prefer you to have an undergrad degree and at least a TEFL certificate I would have to wait til after June anyways, which stands to reason I could wait til after Kristin's wedding also and just start preparing now. Although I don't want to miss Jackie's wedding, since I'm not in it I think that it would be stupid not to consider this as an option because of that reason alone.

I'm kind of an instant gratification girl so the idea of waiting at least 6 months before I see change is a bit discouraging and makes me think that I will lose interest in it before I follow through but at the same time this may be just enough for me to set out a realistic goal for change because I think its definitely time that I take charge of my life again and stop mopping that everything sucks.

If anything I need to consider the fact that leaving this job is not a sign that I failed but one that I'm growing.

A list for a weekend of fun & excitement, or at least productivity

Friday:
-Shopping: Headphones (best buy?) so that I can actually be entertained while walking every where.
-Pick up movies from movie village *yeah for more Buffy and Angel*
-Clean the living room (bring up vacuum cleaner)
-Convince Marcia to go for a drive to look at potential business locations

Saturday:
-walk to Edward's for appointment
-Hair cut, something stylish in both curly and straight looks!
-Pick up groceries
-More fun house cleaning (house must = spic & span when done!)
-Take a trip to a coffee house, start working on Bookkeeping course & revise business plan

Sunday:
-much the same as Saturday with out the haircut.

My goal is to remove myself from my slump with pro activeness!

*Editorial Note: very little of this actually got accomplished. Yah for procrastination.