Archives from my Xanga Account which I deleted

Thursday, June 14, 2007
Altering my actions
I need to be held accountable for my actions.
I need something or someone to force me to maintain being motivated and proactive. Stop me from slipping into my procrastinating habits. Although I care about my friends and family and what they think of me, their concerns, lectures, support, etc aren't getting through anymore.
I have to stop setting myself up to self destruct.
I'm getting very frustrated with myself and yet I don't seem to be stopping my negative habits.
I want to lead an extraordinary life not a blah one.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Questioning
When I was in grade 11, I did a paper on Dr. Clyde Snow, a renowned forensic anthropologist, and decided that that was what I wanted to do with my life. I started my university life taking intro courses that would compliment a career in physical anthropology and forensic but after my second year I started to question whether this path was realistic for me.
At the time I had become interested in the field, it was still pretty obscure with the general public. Only a handful of Anthropologists with Ph.D's worked in a forensic capacity in Canada but I was willing to take on the challenge, then at the end of year 2 I met with a career counselor and he had made a comment which I assume was suppose to be encouraging and friendly. I didn't take it that way. It scared me. He said that he's finding more and more people are looking into forensics because of tv's CSI. Granted this still didn't mean the specialization of forensic anthro (although now there is the popular Fox show Bones that does) but it got me realizing that with the increase of interest it would be more and more competitive to get a job. A job that I really wanted. And needed since it takes a MINIMUM of 8 years to get your Ph.D not to mention the additional school needed in forensic and that costs money. A job that may be really hard to get as there weren't alot of them.
So I started thinking perhaps I'm not cut out for this field. I wanted a sure thing. I had always been interested in owning my own bookstore/bed and breakfast so I decided to pursue a degree in Business and then wound up worker in administration. After five year doing what I do now, I know that I can't work in administration for the rest of my life and I'm not ready, both financial and life style wise, to start my own business. I've been thinking of trying to get into the faculty of Education and becoming a teacher. The salary, benefits and holidays, which are family friendly, are nice security blankets for me after working in the private sector for awhile. Not to mention that its one profession that I feel I could make a difference in peoples lives and actually enjoy doing it. But unlike Anthropology or owning a Bed and Breakfast I'm not passionate about it. I like it but the passion isn't the same.
The increasing interest in the forensic science through television and other medias haven't been all bad though, with more and more people interested in pursuing careers in these fields universities are creating more courses and even degrees that specialize in them. Nine years ago I could find about 4 schools in North America with the specialty. Which means there are more positions for professors to work in the field. The private sector is also bring physical anthropologist on staff at coroner's offices to work side by side with pathologists and at other investigation services. This all means more job opportunities for me! Granted the competition is still high though.
Realizing that I allowed myself to talk me out of pursuing a challenging career because of the uncertainties of where I would work and the length of school I would have to go through, makes me want to make it up to myself and go back. I'm done my university degree in business admin this summer, I could go back and acquire the required courses for a bioanthro 4 yr undergrad (about 60 credits more = 2 years full time) and then apply for my MA and Ph.D. I would love to this but as usual there is always a but, this would mean that I can't work full time anymore during the school year so my salary could be cut in half or more. This is fine for a 1st year student at the age of 18 who doesn't have debt collected over the years but I do, not to mention I have grown accustom to a certain way of life. I don't know how comfortable I would be going back to being broke all the time!
I don't know what to do. Is passion enough? Should I rack up student loans for the next 8 years? Is there another way that I can make enough money to pay for that lifestyle with out being left with debt to pay off once I get a job? Should I just stay with teaching as its safe?
?????????

1 Comment

I would ask you....what is your biggest passion....owning a business or physical anthropology. If its anthropology....than work like a mother fucker this summer and try and save and get your debt down as much as possible...so you are ahead of the game come september when you go back to school. If its owning your own business, than just concentrate on paying of your debt.
I dunno....thats all i got....but i'm pretty sure whatever decision you make You'll do fucking awesome!
Posted 6/11/2007 11:57 AM by JackieBouvier

Thursday, May 24, 2007
**If you read this before Today at 3:00pm I hadn't edited and the ending probably didn't make much sense as I had to close things down quickly:)
I received my online order of novels a few days ago and included in them the sequel to the Second Assistant (The First Assistant). Similar to Devil Wears Prada or the tv show Ugly Betty in that its about a woman that is asked to outrageously ridiculous and many times above the call of duty tasks while in the role of an assistant. This character works in Hollywood and not the fashion industry but its basically the same idea.
Anyways, I've been reading it yesterday and decided that I needed to rent Devil Wears Prada (and Two Weeks Notice) last night. I realize that the most people that watch the movie think 'Oh my god! Why would she stay? What a terrible job.' but not me. In fact I'm annoyed that at the end she admits to her (ex)boyfriend that she had made a mistake getting so caught up in her job. I'm the first to admit that there is a lot of stress in jobs like this, the pay is rarely good and the appreciation shown for a job well done is next to nil most of the times, but that doesn't mean when you finally leave that you should discount what you did! Just because your boss pushed you too far doesn't mean the rest was bad.
Also I hate the part in the movie where Andrea meets her friends at a restaurant (after she started dressing the part and is excelling in her job) and Miranda calls. Her friends toss her cellophane between each other and tease her that they are going to answer it, all the while she's frantically trying to get it back before it hangs up and thus get in trouble from Miranda. After her conversation with her boss she turns to her friends and says they don't need to be such ass holes and leaves. Like her friends, most people would think she's the bitch in the situation and its was just a joke, since they figure she's on her off time and shouldn't have to be on call all the time, but I get so upset during this scene because I feel like its me. I know that it seems unfair to be on call 24/7, and personally I draw the line on answering it when my boss calls during certain times of the evening, but like Andrea I carry a cell that makes me on call 24/7 and when I answer it I wouldn't (don't) appreciate my friends trying to sabotage the conversation by trying to distract me or making noises so I can't hear.
As much as I bitch about hating my job sometimes, I do take it seriously and prefer to act professional while on the phone. Those antics don't help me, in fact make a quick conversation drag out as I'm either distracted or can't hear and need things repeated. I agreed to take a cell home with me when I was hired, I knew that meant I would be reachable after hours, granted I didn't think I would be called so regularly but regardless I would never try to disrupt someone else's business call. Hence my annoyance with the characters in the movie during that scene.
Well I could go on for awhile but I think I made my point for now.

Monday, April 30, 2007
Review
In a continuance to examine my life and what I'm doing with my future I have been decided what I should be doing with my self in the fall.
My options so far are:
Continue with where I am now. I don't think I want to work here for much longer but I could probably stick it out for the next year or so to pay off my debt and figure out where I want to go next. Not the my favorite option but realistically the one I will end up choosing unless I get serious about making changes.
Apply for positions in The Pas. I'm not sure I necessarily want to live there for the rest of my life but getting a job there that will pay as much or more then here would be away for me to sever my ties at work (something I tend to have a hard time doing) and try to start fresh.
Drop down to part time and go back to school to upgrade, increase my gpa and obtain the required courses to apply and qualify for education. This would take at least a year and then the after degree in education would take another 2 but by 30 I could have a career in teaching. Something that interests me but would be a big financial risk for myself.
Apply to teach ESL overseas (perhaps Taiwan). I would need to do a lot of prep work this summer (graduate for university, take an ESL class, get my passport and other paperwork ready and track down potential schools that I could get interviews at when I arrive, as it isn't recommended to accept a position before you arrive). I've always wanted to travel and this would allow me to still be able to make loan payments well doing so. My plan would be to take a position for about a year and then do a backpacking trip through europe afterwards. Of all the options this one could possibly be the most interesting and at the same time the scariest as its completely unknown to me. Alan says that he would do it with me so I wouldn't be completely alone but it will involve a lot of planning. Very tempting to just leave the country for a year though. Especially well I'm still in my twenties.
I'm kinda leaning towards option 4 right now and keeping 3 as my backup. In other words, start working towards getting things arranged for leaving in the fall for asia but if it doesn't work to leave then I could go back to university to ungrade and try for second semester or spring to go.
As usual my biggest hurdle is myself. So its a matter of getting my act together and working towards a goal.

2 Comments

I think you should do option 4 and than marry alan. Thats my two cents.
Posted 5/1/2007 10:27 AM by JackieBouvier -

Not sure I necessarily need to marry Alan to accomplish option 4:)
Posted 5/1/2007 10:29 AM by psyches_love -

Monday, April 23, 2007
Planning for the future
Lately I've been considering my future, career and lifestyle wise, and realize that this isn't where I see myself. Whether for this company or something similar. I want more stability as well as a feeling of accomplishment. Until I manage to start and run my own business I need something that is rewarding.
I've tossed the idea around of moving home for awhile. I'm also considering upgrading my courses to boost my gpa and have enough courses in a qualified teachable major (chemistry most likely) and attempt to get into Education. Most likely Brandon is my best bet but I could get lucky and get in at UofW or UofM. Right now I'm weighing my options and deciding whether its worth going back full time this fall to get the required courses. Without them I will never get in but there is no garrantee that I'll get in with them so thats where I need to decide if its worth the risk.
We'll see.

Thursday, April 12, 2007
Its official, I'm registered for the Half Marathon for this June 17th's Manitboa Marathon. No backing out now.
Need to start doing more running then walking so I can handle 13miles!!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Change comes gradually
From past experience I've come to realize that as much as I like the instant gratification of getting what I want and as am impatient when I have to wait, to make the changes in my life that I want I'm going to have to take it slow. And with that in mind I'm not doing so bad.
for my Health...
I bought a pedometer and now I'm very conscious of the days that I don't reach 10000steps. In fact I go out of my way to get them now. I'm also tracking my nutritional intake and fitness with the website sparkspeople.com which is keeping my aware of what I eat and I'm finding that I'm making conscious decisions to eat healthier. I'm drinking my 8 glasses a day of water and staying with in my recommended calorie intake.
Then there is the belly dancing that starts today and Marcia & Andrea are trying out Hot Yoga at the same time. If they like it and there is a Thursday class I might join that as well. I don't think I'm going to sign up with the Y now as its getting alot warmer. Instead I'll buy a mix off of itunes that coaches you well you listen to music and run. I also want to buy the ab lounger and I can't justify it if I'm going to the gym.
for the Environment...
Marcia and I have been talking about eating locally for almost two years now but she has done alot of research of late and I think we are going to make some gradual changes in our grocery shopping now.
We also picked up new garbage bins last night from Walmart that separate garbage & recyclable neatly. Now I just to get my roommates to recycle! We finally got a recycling program at work so I don't feel nearly as bad about all the paper I toss. At least I know its being recycled now. And we are picking up the compost bins that the city sells every year at a discount once they go on sale. I plan to buy biodegradable trash bags and fabric shopping bags on my next grocery trip.
The fact that I no longer have a vehicle makes me realize how much I used it before. I'm walking everyday now and Graeme is promising to get me a bike this year so I can go even more places with out asking to borrow Marcia's car.
for my Finances...
Basically I'm finally sticking to a realistic budget and getting stuff sorted out. Who knows, perhaps in 3 years I really will qualify for a mortgage to get my own place as well as a business. Here's hoping.


1 Comment

Sobey's sells re-useable grocery bags for $2 each or 5 for $5. I think all of the Safeway's in Winnipeg have turned into Sobey's now...anyway check it out! I use them all the time. Oh ya, and if they break they will give you a free replacement. Good job on the recycling...it's SO easy, I don't know why so many people don't do it.
Posted 4/12/2007 12:17 PM by ericaruth -

Thursday, April 05, 2007
Eyes half closed
My mother is in town tonight, I think the plan is dinner and a movie, followed by potential swimming. Not sure if I'm prepared for the swimming...maybe.
No work tomorrow. I might still come in to try and catch up on things or perhaps I'll focus on all the stuff I'm NOT doing at home. Laundry really needs to get done.
Saturday is Snow Patrol with OK Go. Next week I'm going to Kristin & Jim's wedding social in Shilo, the week after Ashley is in town, as well as Marcia is throwing an Earth Day BBQ and then the week after that Erica comes in and the Weakerthans play...Basically I've packed my weekends for April.
I'm trying to stick to my basic fitness routine of 10000 steps minimum a day & 1200-1500 calories a day. The trip to The Pas did not help as I did little walking and ate too much delicious food. This week I've been very good. Belly Dancing starts next Tuesday and I'm planning on joining the Y. Perhaps I'll sign up this weekend.
I came pretty close to owning my own business this week but someone beat me to the punch and put in an offer before I was ready too, so unless that falls through I'm back to the drawing board. I'm thinking along the lines or a coffee house/deli as usual. Just need to find the thing that sets me apart from other restaurants, not to mention learn how to make a good cup of coffee. So business plan here I come.
I'm getting my finances in line now that I have my raise. It looks promising. Hopefully I will achieve my 3 year goals! I'm reconsidering the whole condo thing though. One place in the neighborhood I'm interested in and is in my price range, lists condo fees are $400/mon (which includes utilities, parking and exterior maintenance) I think thats a bit steep. Perhaps when I'm ready for a mortgage I'll find a house in River Heights (Wellington area) thats huge and I can convert part of it into a business and the rest is a suite that I would share with room mates. It might happen...I could get lucky!

Friday, March 23, 2007
I must be an adult now
Last night I was asked if I would be okay with being named the coexecutor (with my dad) of my aunt and uncle's wills, as well as power of attorney, incase something were to happen to them. Of course I said yes. I can not begin to explain how huge this is for me. On our side of the family (my aunt) alone, there are countless other adults (she has 8 siblings and their spouses, plus at least 5 other cousins that are around my age) that could have been asked and yet they picked me. My sister and her husband were also asked to be guardians of their 3 children.
Makes you think that we must be doing something right if someone thinks they can intrust me with managing their finances & my sister and Davide to take care of their children if anything happens to them.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007
You know...
Figured I should update those that care, since I haven't been on in awhile...note that I say I haven't been on in awhile when I haven't written in a week and yet most of my friends haven't written in months but I digress...
I never called the guy back from plentyoffish.com, as usual I'm terrible at the whole proactive dating thing. I also haven't talked to anyother guys. I'm just not that interested. Don't get me wrong, if I meet a cute guy I'm still interested in dating I just not interested in making the effort on the online services right now.
And as for everything else...nothing new and exciting to report really. Sorry

Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Again with the complimentsToday I wore my new dress and shoes that Marcia and Davide gave me for my birthday and the guys across from me told me I was beautiful. Not just looking nice but beautiful! Needless to say I always have time for a nice compliment and am now it a great mood:)

1 Comment

i need an update on your guy from fishing dating site. Anything come of it?
Posted 3/13/2007 7:38 PM by JackieBouvier

Monday, March 12, 2007
I like free
Tarot.com gave me a Free 11 card Celtic cross reading for my birthday which I just did. I think its slightly strange how accurate they are considering they are computer generated. Perhaps its because I believe in all that stuff and my mind just fits the cards together to make sense but I enjoy it.
The reading was pretty optimistic for the future so we'll see:)

Wednesday, March 07, 2007
To date or not to date
Lately my desire to date comes and goes but I've continued to talk with a few guys online. Yesterday I told one that he could call me on my cell and that we could possibly meet for a date. He said that he would try and call tonight. He seems to have a lot in common with me and we can carry on a good conversation but I can't help feeling like I'm moving faster then I want.
Perhaps its more because I moved so fast with my ex that I'm hesitant to make the same mistakes but then one date doesn't mean marriage so I should stop over analyzing this and just enjoy the dating scene.
Maybe he will be amazing and gorgeous!

Monday, March 05, 2007
Never enough
One bonus of working in an office mainly consisting of men is that when you look good they tell you.
Today I left my hair straight & pulled back with my new headband (something I can't pull off with curly hair with out looking ridiculous) and have received compliments from three of them already. Its funny because I always subscribe to the idea that men are oblivious to things like fashion and appearence changes like hair coloring, straight vs curly or even new shoes but working here I've had to retracted that thought because when ever I change something and/or look great I am told.
Quite honestly its addicting, who doesn't want to hear they look great? Anyways I'm in a pretty good mood right now!

Thursday, March 01, 2007
Antsy
Lately I'm have a hard time concentrating on my responsibilities and haven't been satisfied with what I'm doing. I thought that once my raised kicked in everything would be that much better. That the reason I was becoming ambivalent to my job was because I was underpaid and over stressed but its not the case right now and still I could careless the majority of the time. As its our down season and I am finally making a good wage there isn't any stress but I can't seem to get into the swing of things.
Apparently I'm a difficult person to keep happy.
I'm getting the 'I want to open my own business' fever again. Especially the coffee house and corresponding lifestyle one. I just need about $100k to start me in the right direction and I am ready to go! Of course there is the picking location, creating a new business plan & getting the required start up loans, not to mention a crash course in making different coffees! But it would be so much fun.
I say this all the time and then nothing happens, this time I'm going to try and make a realistic plan to do it by myself and this way I can't use other people as an excuse for not following through. I'm adding this to my 2010 goals and accomplishments. Now I just need to motivate myself and hold myself accountable.


1 Comment

HI, I have a dream, and I am 73, married 51 years and retired 11. I think it would be the fulfillment of my life to open a Starbuck's Coffee shop on Lewers Street in Honolulu, Hawaii. Wow. Only abut 2 blocks to Waikiki Beach. I would take my coffee breaks there. It would be awesome. I hope you really do find a way to open a coffee shop. That would be so much fun. God bless you.
Frank
Posted 3/3/2007 11:35 AM by NVRSAD_DAY

Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tears
Last night I spent my time crying a ridiculous amount of tears, mostly in front of Keith as I had gone over there thinking I would stop on the walk, leaving me emotional spent and drained. Forcing me to face some wonderful facts about myself.
So thank you for being there to listen even thought I'm sure you wished you were anywhere else and that Alan would get home fast so you didn't have to deal with me alone.

Monday, February 26, 2007
Complicated
I understand the line between acquaintance and friend, for me it's simply the amount of time I spend with the person now and in the past, the history we have together. I enjoy each of their company but a friend is just around more, knows me better and vice versa.
But the line between friend and best friend isn't as clear. I suppose one could say its just another step up, that the best friend knows you even more but I don't feel that its that simple. Some people feel that the best friend category must be reserved for one person, two at the most. I have never been able to do that. As I get older and meet new people, I loose touch with people that I use to call my best friends but I still feel that they earned that title and it will remain through our relationship, no matter how much we talk or how many other friends I make.
Looking back, I can't think of a single person I consider a best friend thats transition from friend to best was obvious. Usually it just happens and one day I will be talking about them and say in passing that my best friend so and so did this, and realize that indeed they have crossed that line.
These people are the ones that I trust with my secrets, my hopes and my fears. They are the people that I love unconditionally. I depend on them. I have known them long enough that I feel that I know their quarks & flaws, and yet accept them anyways. Despite them. I believe that they feel the same way.
In relationships involving love, like marriage, a couple as they grow may come to realize that they aren't the people they once were. That what they loved about each other has been lost, that they've grown in opposite directions. Times like this the people involve must decide to work things out and find common ground again or separate, divorce, part company. When the relationship is friendship where do you go? If there is strain or tension in a relationship like that my first reaction is denial. This can't be happening. Trying to determine the difference between a legitimate argument that will work its self out and the beginning of the end is hard, especially when you can't be unbiased. When you are bitter. When you feel that the relationship you had was not nearly as unconditional as you thought nor as important to the other as is it was for you.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I'm soooo popular
Well I'm abit surprised to say the least, I posted my profile yesterday afternoon and this morning I had five messages waiting for me. They all seem pretty nice and right now its just chatting but see I'm getting out there. I'm making an effort to be socialable:)
Got nothing else to add yet but I'm sure I will soon

Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Trying it again
Out of boredom I signed up for plentyoffish.com today. Not exactly the same detailed matching process as pervious services I've used but its free and well I'm single so should I complain?
I keep saying that I don't want to date but at the same time I'm not really doing anything more exciting and at least I'll have some interesting evenings to post about. Life would be so much easier if Mr Right could just fall into my lap!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I'm a sap
****Possible spoiler for the few out there that have never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer & care****
Last night my brother and I finished the second and started on the third season of Buffy. This is the period where Angel is bad and about to open a portal to hell, of course while they are fighting Willow manages to complete the spell that restores his soul, leaving Buffy and Angel with an emotional reunion but a little too late as the portal starts to open and Buffy must 'kill' him & send him to hell so that the rest of the world isn't doomed. Then in the 3rd season she walks around depressed and just as she's starting to deal with it he appears again, some how escaping the demon dimension. My point to this recap? I am an emotional wreck! I cried like a baby when he died, and then whimpered through the next 4 episodes. I'm sure my brother was convinced I had lost it.
Thing is, I have seen all of these episodes before so it isn't like I didn't know what to expect not to mention that they are the main characters so I KNOW that it was temporary but my little breakdown is more to do with empathy for the depression and lose she would be feeling, not to mention the melancholy when thinking that I may never find someone to LOVE that much. Not that I won't date again or marry but that I would never feel that deeply about another and that they would return the feelings. This runs into is my obsession with romance novels as well, that dream that one day I too would express that strong of emotions.
Needless to say, now that I opened that waterfall of emotions last night I'm pretty sappy right now and assume I might just cry through some episodes tonight. As much as my heart aches at times like this, its a drug that I can't seem to get enough of. I love it.

Monday, February 19, 2007
I'm doing it again
I'm obsessively checking blogs and emails for something new to read, to entertain & sidetrack me. I'm ignoring my work. Writing emails to people and not sending them, asking questions I'm not ready for answers to. I'm antsy and yet unmotivated. I can't focus on important issues and keep daydreaming that I'm anywhere but here. This is an uncomfortable mood to be in.
Before I ever posted blogs I could ignore the fact that I routinely go through these phases but now its like I created a timeline for my mood changes. The fact that I have even written blogs exactly like this one. God I'm even fickle about my moods!
I love that I'm not original though, I read complete strangers weblogs and see them going through the same shit. Humbling to say the least. For example http://charmingbutsingle.com/ and http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/

Daydreaming
I'm a chronic planner and dreamer, so when my sister calls me up with a new business idea I am on board. Regardless of the fact that I have YET to actually start a single one of the ideas that I have been on board for in the past I can't stop from thinking that each could work.
I know thats one of the reasons I stick around at this job, my boss allows me to be part of the creating an idea stage of a business. I'm not just doing tasks.
I also think that this idea could work. Granted I'm always wanting to add more and more to a concept which thus means more work and money but if we actually sit done and come up with a template this could work. If nothing more the product would be cool to have for ourselves and give as gifts so who cares if we never sell a single one.
I like the idea of having a little side business though.

Friday, February 16, 2007
Identifying
Last night I sat down to read the first of the Shopaholic books for my second time, in anticipation of the fifth which is being released at the end of the month. I, surprisingly, finished it in 3.5hrs. I'm not a slow reader but I thought I would take at least five! At least it allowed me to still watch Thursday's tv lineup (I love Scrubs and 30Rock...laugh every time).
The first time I read this book I was still working at Booster Juice and just getting a taste of credit card debt and the addiction that is shopping. I thought it amusing that that I could relate, laughed that I had mixed out my cards just before I purchased the 2nd and 3rd novels and had to put them on hold as I ran over to the bank to deposit my cheque and then back to buy them because that was something Becky would totally do! Oh my god I'm a completely naive...sadly after reading the books my debt became even larger (so much so that I laugh now reading her debt...thats nothing!! and yes I'm taking the currency exchange rate into consideration!) and my shopping problem more pervasive. Finally I was forced to cut back, not because of will power and determination but because my credit limits would go no further.
Regardless I still enjoy the books, now even more I find myself identifying with her. What I once thought was stupid and ridiculous on her part seems like an obvious conclusion to me now. I know and feel the stresses she feels. How she convinces her self that perhaps if she doesn't read the bills then they aren't there, that perhaps she will win the lottery and all will be well because if she won she would share so God/luck should pick her. The fact that she is smart enough to advise others on their money issue yet deludes herself that her's aren't a problem hits too close to home.
I suppose I should be optimistic though. I'm attempting to cut back, I have a budget and lack a vehicle so I should be able to manage NOT spending more then I make every month and I'm making more money which means that I can actually afford to pay off the debt.
I wish I could advise others who have yet to make these mistakes, that they would believe me that these novels can actually happen...Becky could be you! Sadly people (including myself) believe that things like that will NEVER happen to them, regardless of the fact that their actions are pointing them in that direction.
**By the way this post wasn't suppose to sound so freakin depressive!

Thursday, February 15, 2007
just so you knowI might hate it but I can be just as stubborn as the next person.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day
Fighting sucks. Holding grudges takes too much energy for me.

1 Comment

Well I think you are awesome...and should throw a party...a "just because I'm awesome" party...I would totally come and bring gifts. I think this party should be dress up though....a girl always loves an excuse to dress up! I'll throw a party next time you are in the pas...it'll be fun! Beach party....see i'm already planning it...:)
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!
Posted 2/14/2007 4:54 PM by JackieBouvier -

Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Defining my 'moodiness'
I am NOT depressed.
I am NOT feeling sorry for myself.
I just want time to myself to do NOTHING. I want to escape into fiction, forget the responsibilities of reality, not worry about what I look like or am wearing, not care how I'm acting or what I'm saying. I just want to take a little mind vacation.
I love my friends and family, and enjoy every moment I spend with them but sometimes I need to run away, and since I can't literally do that I resort to novels and tv. Ask my family and they will tell you that I spent the better part of my teen years doing just that. Now that I'm an adult I spend the majority of my time in extrovert activities but once in awhile my introvert cries out for attention. I don't think I'm being a hypocrite or have double standards when I say I don't want to do something one day, I'm just being me and you are getting to see another side to my personality.
I'm sorry if you don't like that side but know that I accept all of your sides.

3 Comments

You don't accept other people's sides or you wouldn't bring them up in an argument.
Posted 2/13/2007 2:12 PM by Karmyhn -

sometimes people just need "me" time............I completely understand that.
Posted 2/13/2007 4:38 PM by JackieBouvier -

I used other people's sides as an example. I wasn't accussing or judging. I was trying to RELATE. Why is that so hard to accept!?
Posted 2/13/2007 8:40 PM by psyches_love -

moody
I'm exhausted today and hungry. My lunch was not filling and taken pretty early. I want to call in sick for the after noon but thats probably ridiculous. I have a feeling that this steams alot from my Saturday mood and I want to wallow in it. Its weird that at times I actually embrace the idea of being sick or sad, that I somehow enjoy these feelings. Not sure why but I really just want to curl up in bed with a book and maybe take a nap. Its only Tuesday so I'm screwed!Its exhausting being happy and an optimist...apparently I complain too much...I don't care.

VD
Tomorrow marks the 24th Valentine's Day in my life and every one of them I have experienced as a single. Needless to say the entire holiday leaves me feeling pretty ambivalent, aside from an excuse to eat loads of chocolate, wear sexy lingerie and be surrounded with flowers...basically just spending loads of money...what's the point?! I feel like I should be depressed that I don't have one to celebrate it with, which pisses me off because its ridiculous that the singles of the world need to feel bad about their lives on one specific day of the year!With that said I'm sure if I was in a relationship I would love the excuse for someone to buy me gifts. On a completely materialistic perspective Valentine's like many other holidays and events suck for the single. Who buys the unattached chocolates and roses? For that matter where's my 'Congratulations you're still single' party? I love the Sex and the City episode where Carrie goes on and on about the injustice of the single life. We are expected to celebrate in our friends adventures in coupledom with gifts for bridal showers, weddings, house warmings, baby showers, etc and yet singles are left with only Christmas and their birthdays but that shouldn't count since those are default holidays, everyone can celebrate those ones. Why does society make it so depressing and undesirable to be unattached? Give me ONE freakin' holiday that celebrates MY life choices!!Ok this is an old rant that I'm sure you've all heard from me before but tomorrow just reminds me how annoyed it makes me.

6 Comments

I would like to make a point. Do not blame those of us who are attached. We throw ourselves these parties and never have I nor anyone else said that it is not your right to throw yourself a party. Do it. We'll come and we will be proud. It's like fat people who hate skinny people as though they are the problem.Don't blame us. Blame yourself for not being more proud of your status. Really, you're the only one with the issue, not us. Don't be a hater :(
Posted 2/13/2007 8:52 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

I was not blaming you. I was blaming society and the fact that there isn't generalized holidays that celebrate the single life like it does the married or couple life. Yes I could throw myself a party but it annoys me that I would have to come up with one, why aren't there pre-existing ones! Thats my issue.
Posted 2/13/2007 8:55 AM by psyches_love - delete

Because married people or coupled people are celebrating changes in their lives. A union, a baby, etc. Don't tell me that single people wouldn't get a house warming or a baby shower, etc. So pretty much you are just pissed with Valentine's Day?
Posted 2/13/2007 12:05 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Yes I'm pissed with Valentine's Day but why can't we celebrate the NONchanging moments in life!
Posted 2/13/2007 12:06 PM by psyches_love - delete

Nobody is saying we can't. But, it isn't just the single person that doesn't celebrate the "Non-changing moments"Do you want a medal for being single?
Posted 2/13/2007 1:08 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Yes, quite frankly I do.
Posted 2/13/2007 1:09 PM by psyches_love - delete

Monday, February 12, 2007
Feeling down
Saturday I woke in a mood. I was all of a sudden completely depressed, like I'm going to cry, the world holds no point, I never want to see another human again depressed. When in such a mood I am not rational and decided that I was content to continue this mood. How do I handle depression? Escapism via novels, television and dreams, so I pulled out a novel and decided that I wasn't going to see anyone.
This didn't last as K called to do lunch which I said yes to (and had fun...of course) and then went out to a social that night. I also hung out with Alan all day and evening on Sunday, so my hermit plan didn't really work. And when you surround yourself with people you like its hard to stay depressed.
With that said I still feel the need for some me time, with out slipping into a depressed stage I do want escape into good books and curl up on the couch a watch tv series' dvds like Buffy, Star Trek & Grey's. So we'll see.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Dilemma - *Adult content*
First I suggest that my mother should not continue reading this...perhaps not exactly appropriate!
Now, I would like to have mind blowing sex right now...well when I'm not sitting at work in my glass office but sooner then later.
Problem - I don't have anyone to do it with. No boyfriend, obviously, and my nonrelationship isn't really going anywhere. Kinda feel like he has lost interest or is pushing me away. *shrug* Weird because the friendship hasn't changed (which is great and as it should be) but meh nothing else...Perhaps its all in my head but I am getting the impression that I won't be getting anything from that corner anytime soon.


3 Comments

Move home...you can have sex with ****
Posted 2/7/2007 12:49 PM by JackieBouvier - delete - block user

**** is not available any more. Rings were exchanged! Who do you think I am!! ;)
Posted 2/7/2007 12:51 PM by psyches_love - delete

Who is ****, is he that older man that has something to do with someone through Dairy Queen or something like that? Must be. And I thought he didn't like the other person in his relationship.....Rings exchanged? Boo!Anyways, she ain't movin' home!!And I will tell that certain other someone to be a man and confess what is up with his lack of a sexual appetite. Going onto MSN right now........hehe
Posted 2/7/2007 1:14 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The New Me
I've been informed that my new look will be "boho chic" and that I must say good bye to black skinny jeans, sneakers and tshirts which is exactly what I'm wearing today.


4 Comments

Haha. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was EXACTLY what you were wearing today when I mad fun of that outfit........but it isn't flattering, FYI..
Posted 2/6/2007 2:52 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

I hate skinny jeans. Partly because I can't pull them off.
Posted 2/6/2007 6:22 PM by prairiegirl18 - delete - block user

I love boho chic....definetly a good look for you.
Posted 2/6/2007 8:49 PM by JackieBouvier - delete - block user

I'm sorry Marcia, but I LOVE skinny jeans. Just not when they are paired with brown runners and a casual top! Pencil Jeans are better, but skinny is in! Love it! Georgie, we might go back to the skinny jeans, but it'll be when you know how to wear them :P Hehe
Posted 2/7/2007 8:32 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user


Soccer Moms
If I were to describe my look I would say that the majority of days I look the part of a soccer mom or a frumpy librarian, granted some days I'm not that bad but I feel that I don't truly have defined cool look to call my own. What's really sad is I don't know what that look would be with out looking like a poser. Perhaps I'm fickle, although I prefer eclectic in taste but I have never liked one label/trend/genre/look more then another so this leaves me looking like Miranda from Sex and The City...I don't want to be Miranda...at least not the physical part!
But how do you determine what your look should be? Regardless I'm changing it somehow this year.


2 Comments

What you need to do is find out what look you like to see and then wear it with confidance. The key to pulling off a look is making it seem like you know you are the shit. That's it. You can wear anything really if you have the guts..
Posted 2/6/2007 11:12 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

The problem is that I don't what look looks good on me...hmmm
Posted 2/6/2007 11:17 AM by psyches_love - delete

Monday, February 05, 2007
I'm on a mission
As I explained to one of my best friends last night, as we took one last drive in my vehicle before I say good bye to it today, I hate feeling stupid and nothing makes me feel stupider then when my friends have a conversation that I don't have any reference points for. Main topics of conversation that leave me feeling like an idiot are Music (all genres but most specifically indie pop, rock, & punk), Video Games & most recently Star Trek (and any other 'geeky' referenced television or movie).
Most recent occurrence happened when we were watching Heroes on Friday night and my one friend turns to the other after the Big Boss appears and he comments that "It's Sulu". Who the fuck is Sulu! When they say that he was on the Original Star Trek, I'm of course annoyed because NOW I know who they are talking about but I didn't remember the name and now I look completely uninformed...granted they probably could care less but it bothered me.
And so I have set out to no longer be ignorant. I don't need to know everything. I'm not looking to surpass them in knowledge or start recommending new bands or quoting tv shows. I'm content to sit back and listen to others but when a band is mentioned I would like to be able to know what they sound like and whether I like them before I'm told or next time "It's Sulu" happens I can have a response other then who?
I am self educating myself. Wikipedia and other sites are my new best friend. Graeme, Olivia & myself got the Movie Village $20/month membership so I can now rent an unlimited amount of Star Trek DVDs. First one down yesterday.
As a bonus, I personally find geeky indie boys sexy so maybe instead of the duds that I usually date I'll have something in common to talk about with ones that I'm attracted to. We'll see


3 Comments

I am ashamed of you for watching star trek. I don't even know you anymore :(
Posted 2/5/2007 8:47 PM by JackieBouvier - delete - block user

You hurt me! And Star Trek is awesome:P
Posted 2/5/2007 8:51 PM by psyches_love - delete

Star Trek is awesome. Agreed. But you shouldn't have to make an effort to enjoy/watch it. Either you like it or you don't. Period. Jackie is a hater. Let's beat her with a mallet.
Posted 2/7/2007 8:33 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Friday, February 02, 2007
Nothing exciting
New Year's Eve guy said he would call on Thursday to confirm our tentative Sunday date. He didn't. Perhaps I was mistaken and he's suppose to call tonight. But I specifically remember saying that I had plans on Friday & Saturday. I should be offended. I'm not. We'll see how this progresses.
Like every paycheck at the start of a month I am left very tight for cash. With rent & bill payments due asap I have to do some creative shuffling of funds to pay for things like food and gas, let alone entertainment and misc items. I can't wait for my raise to kick in, it won't solve this issue but it sure will help.
I feel like all of my efforts to change and become a better, happier me are slipping from my fingers. Its like I'm in a horror movie and everything is going slow motion, that I can actual see my motivation leaving me. I refuse to be fat or broke for one more year so I need give myself a boost of energy. Wish I had a clear idea of how to do that. How can I return to my 10 year class reunion if I'm fat and unsuccessful? I can't...won't happen. Let allow show up fat for Kristin's wedding in August. I will NOT be the fat bride's maid again!
On a completely different topic I think its funny the way a female's hormones work. As far as I know guys think about and want sex basically all the time and yet we don't. There are times in the month when quite frankly I could tear the clothes off of a guy in public and then there are times that I don't want to have anything to do with them. I do not like this idea of not have control of my own desires. It should matter what time of the month it is! What's even weirder is that the desire to rip a man's clothes off and jump him usually starts during the one week that I'm NOT interested in doing anything about it. Stupid stupid stupid. I apologize to anyone that was not interested in hearing about when I'm horny but I needed to say it

Thursday, February 01, 2007
Newest venture
A few days ago Ace was talking about www.hitchparties.com on HOT103, which both K and I heard on our ways to work. After checking out the site it appears to be my next attempt at the dating scene. The next party isn't until April but there is no fee or cover charge so my only expense will be the alcohol and the outfit I buy. It should be fun!

Menstruation Sucks
The lovely thing about being on the pill is that my period comes in like clock work and doesn't last more then 5 days (I use to be a 7 day girl so this is big for me) but this doesn't change the fact that I still hate it just like every other woman. Its inconvient, messy and comes along with wonderful things like sore muscles, back aches, stomach cramps and alot worse for other women.
Right now my knees ache, I feel the loss of iron and I'm tired.
Maybe I should just go on the needle which will stop this whole thing for away. Maybe. Or maybe I should just remove my freakin uterus...sometimes that idea is very tempting, saddly I'm selfish and want an heir and a spare so that isn't happening anytime soon.


2 Comments

Pfft. Selfish Selfish. And sad because you know we have a population crisis.....
Posted 2/1/2007 12:58 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Bahhhh you want an heir too.
Posted 2/1/2007 1:00 PM by psyches_love - delete

Tuesday, January 30, 2007
3rd call = tentative Sunday date
So New Year's Eve guy called last night, apparently he's been sick for the last month and finally had to take some time off work, which was his reason for not asking me out on a date yet. Fine. He asked what I was doing this weekend and I said that I had plans for Friday & Saturday but my Sunday evening was still open, so he wants to do something if he isn't still hacking up a lung.
I am still pretty ambivalent about this but I do this all the time to my self and potential dates so I'm going to at least go if he follows through.
On a side note, I don't like one of his close friends now so I think I might be biased in my decision on whether I like him now.


1 Comment

What friend of his do you not like?
Posted 1/31/2007 8:06 PM by judy_marlene - delete - block user

Monday, January 29, 2007
Sharing Secerets
Friday night I received a phone call from my mother when I was out with my friend and his mother at the theater, watching Pan's Labyrinth. Apparently she had finally managed to read my xanga blog. I had assumed that she had read it a long time ago and had just decided not to comment on anything...I was wrong. First she claims I'm too vague, then demands to know who it is, can we say awkward when you friend is standing next to you and although can only hear your side of the conversation, knows what you are talking about and is laughing at you?! She apparently assumed that it was my friend that I was out with rather then his roommate so I had to say who quickly before my friends mother joined us. Ugh.
When I tell people about this conversation or that my mother even has access to a blog like this they are shocked. Claiming that they would NEVER let their moms read stuff like this. Perhaps its because I'm older and assume there really isn't anything she could do about it but I think the real reason is that I trust her and like my close friends value her opinion. Granted I may not listen to her, I do like hearing what she has to say.

1 Comment

Thanks ,Carmen!
Posted 1/31/2007 8:04 PM by judy_marlene - delete - block user

Friday, January 26, 2007
Create a new plan
Now that I've decided that my previous life's plan is retarded and outdated I need to create a new one. Perhaps its the curse of the chronic list maker but I need to have a plan whether I'm use it or not. I'm trying to be as realistic as possible, since there is no use in me creating a plan that isn't achievable, right? So I'm thinking that my first phase will happen in the next three years.
The reason for 3 years is
I think my credit score will take that long to look amazing again
The majority of my student debt will be paid off (I'm okay with some debt but the bank doesn't look kindly to someone with no assets and lots of loans outstanding...kinda a credit risk for them)
Last but not least 3 years brings me into 2010 which is my 10 year anniversary from graduating high school and although nothing has been said yet about a class reunion I like then idea of being able to tell people that I'm actually quite successful, rather then the current state I'm in!
So what do I hope to accomplish by then?
As I said above, clear up my credit by paying off most of my debt.
Preparing to buy my own place, ideally I would like to buy a condo (loft style) downtown (realistically it would probably be just outside of the exchange as I doubt I'll be willing to pay the prices in that area). I like the idea of a condo because like a house I will own it rather then renting an apartment but unlike a house I don't have to worry about yard & exterior maintenance, something I want in the far future but not right now. As I'm not putting 'having a serious relationship' on my 3 year plan I will more then likely be buying this by myself so I may do one of 3 things. First I could get a smaller condo and just live there by myself (come up with downpayment by myself), 2nd I could get a 2-3 bedroom one and rent a room out to cover the mortgage or 3rd I convince another of my single friends to go halvers with me and we buy the place together. I suppose there is the possibility of a 4th option and that is I am in a serious relationship and we get the place together but I'm choosing not to consider that option right now!
Career wise I would like to have brought my salary up to $40000 by then or higher but other then that I don't have anything exciting on the plan.
Thats it for now. I should probably include that I want to be in shape but thats a given regardless of the life plan, and I also plan on dating but this time I want to do it a bit more casually none of this 'I love you' after the first month and thoughts of making a life with that person....we saw how that turned out last time. Mainly my goal is just to be financial stable enough to own my own condo. So we'll see how that goes!

Thursday, January 25, 2007
Should I call?
Just checking my voice mail this morning and found out that I had missed a call from the New Year's Eve guy in the last few days. I never called him after he called the first time and its been awhile so I had assumed that he had lost interest and forgot or was still to 'shy' to call.
Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm not that interested but should I be a bitch and not return the call? Going on a date doesn't mean I have to marry the guy, let alone even date him or sleep with him. I want to learn the art of dating for the sake of dating! Maybe I should call....
Although he's best friends with another guy at Black Cat that was recently a jerk to K and I'm not sure I want to have anything to do with that group. Hmmmm, I'll have to think about it.


1 Comment

In my opinion you haven't been interested at all so why go?Plus, you're right. He was Doug's best man and that sitch has gone to shit recently hey?But, if you want to use him to practice, go for it!
Posted 1/25/2007 10:43 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Going Public
Recently I decided to make this my private blog that I only shared with a select few people but I decided today that its ridiculous as I keep telling more and more people about it and its complicated getting them set up to read them. So I've switched over all of the posts to public. Hopefully by doing so I haven't stuck my foot in my mouth if someone reads one and is offended. I will probably still have some protected posts over time when necessary but not right now.
When I was switching everything over I found it interesting the change in attitude I've had in the last few months. I just recently realized that my plan for life is stupid and outdated, that I don't really want the things I thought I did & had been stressing about not accomplishing. Now that I realize this I have felt alot better. I'm happy with my life right now. I accept who I am & that that doesn't include marriage, babies, a white picket fence or safe secure union job. I like my independence, my friends, my social life, being single.

Monday, January 22, 2007
Assumptions and Evasions
Last night I finally asked my friend why he wouldn't bring up the topic or ask me anything about the fact that I'm sleeping with his roommate, since I know that he knows. Apparently he had been waiting for me to say something, which meant that we may have never talked about it because I was waiting for him to say something, more so because he apparently asked his roommate when ever I left so I assumed he should be able to ask me too if I was one of his best friends. He figured that I should have been able to bring it up with him and that it wasn't his business til I did. Don't you just love it when you base your communications on assumptions!?
Once it was brought up though, I found myself saying way more then I expected perhaps because out of all of my friends he knows the two of us the best. My other best friends may know me but not really him so the conversation is usually biased to my point of view. Although this conversation thus led to my friend sharing more then I thought I would ever hear about his sex life. Leaving me not knowing what to say to many comments because although I don't mind hearing about that stuff I don't know what to say in response with out sounding ridiculous.
The more I talk about it though the more I realize that I really don't want a relationship with anyone right now. That what I was missing was the ability to be intimate with someone not the rest of the package. I really want to focus on ME this year so until my fickle mind changes I will continue on this path as I am quite content.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Nothing new
My boss is returning at the end of the week and I have yet to accomplish what I wanted to do. I live to procrastinate apparently. Also putting myself into stressful situations. I live for that too.
I wish I could be the type of person that was so self absorbed that I didn't care how my actions affected others except for how it would later affect me. Perhaps my life choices would have been completely different if I was like that. I wonder if I would be happier or would I merely find something else to stress me out or make me unhappy.
Emotions are completely nonrational and unpredictable. I'm always assuming how I will react to a certain situation and yet I'm rarely right.I also believe that my overactive imagination leads me to create problems where there really isn't any. I crave drama, the heartache & the agony, & yet I live a pretty stable life. Thats probably where my stress stems from, since my external/social life lacks the necessary drama I create it internally and participate in it with only my self as company...this is not nearly as fun as I'm assuming true drama would be.
I have no patience. I want to see results now and when I don't I sabotage my attempts, and usually pretty passively...ie taking no action at all.
Life should be simple. Its not.
My non-relationship partner is slightly frustrating me with his concern that I'm lying to myself and that I will allow emotions to get involved. Perhaps I should, at least there would be that drama I want but it would be totally one side and ridiculous so no thank you. I don't understand why he, and others, assume I'm the likely candidate to fuck this up. I don't WANT anything more. Really I don't! I thought maybe I would but when everything was said and done I was more sure then ever that I'm happy with this arrangement. I'm sure I could let myself go down the route of crazy emotions if I tried but what would I gain. I've been told repeatedly that he isn't looking for more, I know he would be a handle to deal with if he was, and again...I'm not interested. I fully plan to attempt the dating scene again in a month or so when my finances are under control. Regardless of having a Mr. Rightnow I still want my Mr. Right - for - forever!

1 Comment

We think you will have emotions because when you sleep with someone, there is emotion. Everyone has it just some of us can lock it away or pretend it isn't there. Men are stupid. Period. Mr Rightnow, I'm sure, has emotions too. Emotions can be anything from hatred to love. Who's to say you won't get attached to the "relationship" and not him? What happens if he moves on and you aren't satisfied with not having the "relationship". Don't assume all emotions are about him. This is a deep subject. "We" care about you and know how much you like drama. Just listen to us.....
Posted 1/17/2007 2:30 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Friday, January 12, 2007
It finally happened
just so you know.

1 Comment

Is it what I think it is? How do you feel about it? How did it go? Don't leave a bitch hanging here!
I can't live through you when you are so vague :)
Posted 1/12/2007 10:51 AM by JackieBouvier - delete - block user

Thursday, January 11, 2007
Articulating
I can not begin to truly articulate and express my current emotions. Whether I don't want others to read them and feel the necessity to edit so much that it isn't even worth posting or that I don't know how to, I have started and canceled three posts before this.
I suppose something are meant to be examined more fully internally before expressed to the public.
Regardless I have put my self in a position to seize the opportunity of a nonrelationship and if we both continue to act like adults things should be fine for the time being. My only selfish hope is that he doesn't feel proactive before I do to pursue a real relationship with someone else. I like this idea of a break that isn't an 'I'm alone' break. This isn't suppose to be complicated but knowing my self I will probably muddle it up. We'll see.
Vague enough?


1 Comment

Not vague to me. The time will come when you or he will start a relationship. Right now you are saying that this is purely sexual, but someone is going to get hurt. It happens and it has happened to me. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking that this is what you want and this is how you want it to be. Don't put your heart on the line for this guy. Nobody is worth heartbreak nor heartache. Remember?
Posted 1/11/2007 10:04 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Wednesday, January 10, 2007
One step closer
I've decided to stop fixating on my love life and lack there of, and embrace what disfunctionality I have for the moment. My theory is this will allow me to spend more energy on other aspects of my life that need work and possibly bring me closer to this idea of happiness that I so desperately want.
This is my theory. I could be completely wrong....we'll see


2 Comments

You should not be content with your disfunction. Call Joe and then you can come to Alpalooza and see me kick his ass when we mud wrestle!
Posted 1/10/2007 10:11 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

I didn't say I wouldn't call him but I'm NOT THAT INTERESTED
Posted 1/10/2007 10:29 AM by psyches_love - delete

Tuesday, January 09, 2007
The Ever Elusive Happiness
Sometimes I think the answer to all my problems is to start over, wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Just move away. Quit my job. Run away.
At this point I could do it. If necessary I could find someone to look after my cats and my brother could look after the upstairs suite. I could be replaced at work. And still keep in contact with my close friends and family via the internet and phone.
I know what I would be running away from, debt, an unrewarding job, responsibilities I don't want, an overall ambivalence to life, but what do I actually think I'm running too. What gives me the impression that the grass IS actually greener on the other side. If you listen to the experts and the self help books they tell you that you need to look within for happiness, that you shouldn't expect the outside world to create it for you, and yet I'm more lost inside then out. Look where? I don't even know what I want. The more I think about it the more confused I get.
I wish I didn't think so much or expect so much. I have so many things to make me happy and yet it never seems to be enough. One of my cousins is pregnant, and another 2 engaged, all three younger and less secure in their lives, yet I'm slightly envious. I don't even WANT marriage or kids right now and I am JEALOUS , why?!?
Subconsciously I think if I wait long enough the answers will fall on my lap, which is the most passive and stupid thing I could think. Perhaps the problem is I have such clearly defined expectations so everything else falls short and yet I allow procrastination, lack of motivation & ambivalence to stop me from reaching what I want. Knowing all this I don't know how to stop my flaws & doubts from slowing down my path to happiness.

2 Comments

Me too woman. Me too. Yet for me I have the house, the marriage, the career, the money...why aren't I happy? I have all the ingredients, but the recipe never turns out quite right. How do you find happiness when you don't know what happiness is?How do we find the right definition for our own happiness? People don't share the same happy ending. I'm not sure what is right for one is right for another.I think we are having a 1/4 life crisis. Or 1/3 life crisis if we want to be pessimistic :(
Posted 1/9/2007 10:22 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

I'm going to go with the 1/4 life crisis...don't want to be too pessimistic:)
Posted 1/9/2007 10:26 AM by psyches_love - delete


Monday, January 08, 2007
Playing Games
I don't think I'm cut out for the dating world and relationships. I hate mind games and rather not be part of them and yet I find I set myself up for just that.
I wish I knew what I wanted. Who I wanted. That things were simple and straight forward. That people said what they were really thinking, instead of hedging their words with niceties and vagueness. That I said what I was really thinking.That I stood up for what I wanted.
But fear... fear of rejection, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of the unknown...prevents me from moving out of my safe zone. Sometimes I feel so lost and alone and yet I know that its my own fault, of my own making but I do nothing.
I am more guilty then any one else, of playing mind games with me. I twist my thoughts up until I don't know which way is right. I am so quick to hand out advice to others on how they should live there lives and yet I am not living my own.
I grow tired of this but can't seem to stop.


1 Comment

You sound like you are at the end of a rope and yet you don't even attempt to climb it. Perhaps you should start saying what you feel instead of bottling it up into a blog that certain people can't see. Or perhaps you should grow some balls and GIT ER DONE!!
Posted 1/8/2007 8:33 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Tuesday, January 02, 2007
A New Year, A Fresh Start...I hope
Happy New Years!
Now with 2007 in full swing I need to start working towards accomplishing my new years resolutions. Not an easy task when you bank account balance will be in the negative when the day is over as interest and bank fees are due. Ugh! I think I have that covered though so no worries, crossing my fingers.
I have my tuition that is due this week also but I think that I'm going to have to spread that out to pay part next pay period or I'm getting now food or gas for the next 2 weeks!
But I plan to stick to my budget and my resolutions so I had better get a move on the salary increase.
Alan sold his Magic Card Collection over the holidays and used the profits for a projector (really nice by the way) and is planning to sell his cd collection now that he has copied them all onto his computer & will use those profits to buy a large Hard Drive MP3 player, which reminds me that I should get a move on trying to sell off my text books and novels. All of which are going to give me a FRACTION back of what I paid originally but its just adding to my clutter and I could use the extra money to put towards the debt. I also am going to see about auctioning off all my Mary Kay products that I have remaining on ebay.
I wonder what else I have that I should get rid of that is actually worth selling instead of just tossing or giving to Sally Ann....
I thought I would be able to start tackling my bookkeeping course over the holidays but sadly I'm lazy and enjoyed a totally work free week last week. It was great! My university course starts tomorrow so I need to start concentrating on that if I want to get anywhere close to an A.
As for my lack of love life, well I may be on my way to remedying that with out paying a service! New Year's Eve found me talking to a friend of a friend of a friend at a house party who asked to me for my number and to do something together when he was far more sober. Pretty new for me, I'm not the type that usually gets asked her digits I think I can actually count the amount on both hands and have fingers left over. As a bonus I actually found the guy interesting and had a lot to talk about, I didn't necessarily feel physically attracted to him right off the hop but heres hoping that if/when he calls and we go on a date I feel differently. It isn't like my last relationship was a sex god or anything.
Now that the holidays are over and I've decided to return to my no meat if possible diet and think I will start a diet like South Beach that starts off with a cleanse. Lately I haven't liked looking at myself in the mirror as I think my belly is getting too pouchy (or what ever that word is) nor am I happy with how fat my face looks in pictures. I'm not trying to sound insecure here, I really think I'm packing on the pounds! I've been looking at pictures from the last few years, and although I'm no where close to my fattest pics neither am I to my slimmer ones. I hate fat faces and double chins! This MUST be solved!!!
For the next 20 days my boss has gone on vacation to Hawaii so aside from phone calls and emails every once and awhile I shouldn't hear from him much which means I shouldn't be assigned alot of new tasks which will give me the opportunity to catch up on all my outstanding work and prepare for the possibility of quitting.

2 Comments

I think I knew everything in that blog, but I wanted to post a comment anyways so you know I care :DSo, do you mind if I mud wrestle this summer with your new potential lover? huh? huh? ;)
Posted 1/2/2007 3:47 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Nope, you can do what ever you want:)
Posted 1/2/2007 3:49 PM by psyches_love - delete

Friday, December 22, 2006
The Eve of My Holidays
I want to go home.I want to deposit my check and finish my shopping. I want to go to Solstice at Rowan's. I don't want to be HERE. My 10 days off are calling me and I've lost any motivation to do work. My boss is in the other room and I'm only here! Payroll is complete as are the reports my boss requested so at this point I feel everything else can wait til I get back in the new year.
I am hoping my boss will pack it in early and I can get out of here in the next hour or so because I'm not really doing anything at the moment. I don't even have Karmyhn to talk to!
So I guess I will waste time now and outline my new year's resolutions and goals:
Finances: Stick to my strict budget, thus allowing me to actually put a dint onto my debt's principle balance & not just pay the interest every month. Also means I'm saying good bye to my use of debit cards. Apparently I have no will power and spend money that is meant for other things so now I'm on a cash system. Once I spend it, its gone and I have to wait til the next payperiod. Due to the large amount I need to save for 2 weddings, some misc. trips & next years Christmas gifts I have no choice but to make more money or not go to these things. Regardless of how well I budget I will not save enough on what I get paid.
Career: See a salary increase to $33-40000 annually; if current job can NOT offer this I will accept a new position somewhere else. This needs to be accomplished by February, thus I HAVE to organize my office, prepare training materials & start submitting resumes to other organizations when I get back from holidays. NO EXCUSES, NO PROCRASTINATIONS, JUST DO IT!
Career-part2: Attempt a side business that cost little to no money to start up. Possibility is creating a consulting/contracting business in office management/excel specialist. Need to write out a plan of attack!
Education: Finish BA this semester, getting an A in the History course. Also finish bookkeeping course by February 1st. Look into certification for microsoft word and excel.
Health: loose 25lbs and go down 2 pant's sizes. Exercise via Bellydancing and starting a walking/running program outside in the mornings or afterwork (need a running playlist for ipod!); Diet possibly based on South Beach's template but due to budgeting restrictions I will also not be eating out regularly (no FAST FOOD). Once those two are accomplished I can get a tan and buy new clothes!
Love Life: GET ONE! Try speed dating and maybe...just maybe meet guys with out paying a service to do it!
Life: Get organized; declutter and make a plan of attack. I will be proactive about my life!
Okay this list didn't take as long as I was hoping but I have nothing else...


1 Comment

I think it's funny that Resolution #1 is to NOT spend money, and yet resolution #5 is to loose weight and buy new clothes! SHOPPING! heheYah, I need resolutions too. Big ones. I don't normally DO resolutions, but I should My life's a mess...sigh...
Posted 12/23/2006 3:31 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Tuesday, December 19, 2006
The Cost of Generousity
Due to my current financial woes I've been going over and over in my head how I managed to get myself into this situation and there are the obvious ones, like eating out too many times and order overly expensive meals, going to the movies at full price theaters at least once a week, buying spontaneous items: clothes, books etc, then there are those countless road trips I've taken. But the one that is starting to get to me is when I offer to pay something and don't get reimbursed. I like being able to pay for things and help people out and I'm never in a rush to get the money back but what annoys me is when I never get it back and its been months since the event and my pride refuses to let me say anything. Examples of said issue: 1. went on road trip 2 years ago and paid for gas friend 1 never paid their portion I am out approx $60; 2. purchased a group bachelorette gift 1 year ago, friend 2 didn't have cash for her portion...I paid it...never got it back, I am out another $50; 3. purchased a group wedding gift and friend 3 never even asked how much she owed so obvious that $45 hasn't come in; 4. put in a lump sum of money to cover gas and hotel for a trip this year and friend 4 was suppose to refund the difference that we didn't use, regardless of me asking about it afterwards via an email I haven't heard anything about my possible $30 or more. Those are just a few, not to mention the movies, food and over misc. costs I've incurred over the years for 'friends'.
Don't get me wrong, I love being able to pay for things and will continue to offer to do so. Also alot of my other friends pay me back or offer to pay for something else in exchange so they aren't all bad, not that those that didn't pay are bad but you get my point. And when you compare what amounts owed I have outstanding its a mere dint in my overall debt but I think its more the fact that I even have to think about this that bothers me. That there are enough times worth mentioning. Why don't people have the common curtesy to repay on time. Why accept my offer to cover your share if you don't have the money to pay me back. Just say 'I don't have the money, no thanks' There are manytimes that people say that and I say that thats fine, I cover your share so you can take part too, but when you give me the impression that you will repay I expect it!


1 Comment

Woo, sure glad I'm not on that end of your friendship :)Hey, wanna go for lunch today? I'll pay! HA!
Posted 12/20/2006 9:26 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Monday, December 18, 2006
Stalemate
I find it frustrating that my sex life is caught in a catch 22 right now. Deciding you want to & will have sex with someone that also wants to have sex with you should be pretty straight forward but when that someone also decides that they won't do it while we (or more importantly ME) are drunk because they think we (me) would regret things we (me) did afterward and thus potential put a strain on or ruin our friendship, causes a bit of a problem because although I am sexually attracted to this person I need abit of alcohol the first time to get over the fact that I've known them for so long and the insecurities I have.
You would think telling them while sober that you wouldn't regret anything & assuring them that its ok should be enough but apparently not.
Its looking more and more like this will never happen as there never seems to be a right time to do it, which sucks because I assumed that even if I wasn't in a relationship with anyone I could at least have this for now since I actually like the person and spending time with them. Oh well, C'est le vie.

2 Comments

He's a dope. That's all I can say. Dopey Dopey Boys....
Posted 12/18/2006 12:12 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

that sux
Posted 12/18/2006 5:20 PM by wpgmike - delete - block user

Thursday, December 14, 2006
Trust & Honesty is dead
What ever happened to the days that a man's word was as good as gold or better?
Today I'm dealing with a customer that has yet to have their yard cleared of debrie or their project finished but they had paid the remaining balance because they were told by the builder that he would finish it up right away. Now I can not reach him. He isn't returning my calls. Its frustrating because its not like I can go down there myself to finish the job. At this point I'm left with leaving angry messages and threatening to send my shop employee out to clean up and deduct his warrantee reserve. Unfortunately I've already paid him because he had submitted the finished paper work so its not like I have that much leverage. Sadly this isn't the first time that the guys have screwed me and the customers over this year. Am I too trusting. Perhaps my empathy needs to be toned down. I have to stop feeling sorry for these guys and bending rules. They never repay the favors and are always looking out for number one (theirselves).
They are good guys, I just don't trust any of them anymore.


1 Comment

"They are good guys"
Haha. Good Guys Builders..."good guys" Ha. Ha.
Posted 12/14/2006 7:17 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Wednesday, December 13, 2006
My Seceret Sexy
Recently I have fallen in love with lacy boy cut or brazilian underwear. Can't get enough of them. Everytime I wear them I feel sexy. Regardless of what else I'm wearing I feel better with them on. In fact I'm sitting here in sweats and yet I am wearing my lacy panties, regardless of the fact that I'm the only one to see them.
I also recently bought black and pink lacey babydoll lingerie, for that same reason. No one shares my bed, as stated in earlier posts, so its not like others are benefiting from it and yet days that I'm feeling down on my self I put it on and bam! I'm awesome!
Anyways now I need a lacey bra and we are set!


1 Comment

1. TOTALLY AGREE with the lacey boy short underwear. Now when I go out it's the only thing I'll wear. Makes me feel all supermodel like. Ouch!
2. *I* inspired that lingerie purchase. I take full credit for your sexy feeling.
3. Said lingerie was intended for a purpose so don't pretend *purposely* purchased it for yourself. Remember who reads these things hey?
Posted 12/14/2006 8:31 AM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I had a dream last night
Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss.
Although I've been a Singleton most of my life, the time before my past relationship was based on what ifs and maybes stemming mostly from romance novels, movies & television but with my new knowledge of coupledom, I really know what I'm missing.
I enjoy the independence of single life. Being able to hang out with who I want and go where I want with out worrying about leaving me significant other on the way side, but that isn't enough for me to want to be single. To be happy that I'm single. My hope is that my future partner will mesh well with my existing life and I don't have to worry about giving that benefit up.
I miss the codependency. I miss the comfort. I was not built to be alone. I need human contact. I am an extravert. And as much as I love my friends and family, a girl can only be the third wheel for so long.
I know all this and plan to remedy the fact in the new year with my next attempt at dating via speed dating, but until then I am alone in my bed, which brings me to my dream. Last night I had the wonderful dream of falling asleep and waking up against a solid, warm body (a body that has a name and face but thats not really important, and I'll leaving you assuming). No sex, no hanky panky, just the intimacy and comfort of touching someone during sleep. It felt so real and vivid which only left me more disappointed to wake up to my empty bed and reality. Some girls need a sex buddy but I think I need a sleep buddy. Don't get me wrong, sex is great but I can deal with out for awhile, not having someone to sleep with is just lonely.


1 Comment

OO OO, I know who it is!!! WOOT!
Posted 12/13/2006 12:10 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user

Monday, December 11, 2006
Step One
On my way to gaining control.
Canceled subscription to lovehappens and reviewed other monthly preauthorized debits. Is there another possible cancelation? Don't think I can cancel charity...we'll see.
Going home for lunch = not spending money at lunch.
small steps but steps none the less.

I'm saying it one last time and thats it.
It is becoming more apparent to me that I am getting through life on a heavy dose of denial.
My financial situation is not that bad. I can spend money on this, even if I do owe money for that.
Finances aren't my only problem, I have my worries about my career, university, my love life and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life but at Christmas time the finances are the ones I can't pretend aren't a problem. It doesn't matter how much you deny there is a problem. If the money isn't there, it just isn't there. I suppose I should have swallowed my pride this year and told everyone that I would not be able to buy expensive gifts but I didn't and I won't. I love giving gifts, especially good ones. The smart thing would have been to put away money through out the year to cover this costs but I suppose if I could effectively budget like that I wouldn't be in these problems in the first place.
I do not have a choice anymore, I am COMPLETELY maxed out. After I buy my family their gifts I'm done. I got nothing more. And it kills me. I have to cut back, spend less and make more. If my boss does not offer me my requested raise I will start looking for a new position. Regardless of how little I spend, a small paycheck can only be stretched so far. I hate the unknown, I never thought I would be someone that craves security and safety of the known but I do. Perhaps it comes for the last few years of living on the verge of financial bankruptcy.
So once the gifts are bought my life will become a strick life of budgets and penny pinching. No more eating out at lunch and supper or going to the movie every weekend. My books need to come for the used bookstore on a trade or from the library. I will have an entertainment allowance and once its gone I can suck it up. This goes for clothes and spontaneous purchases too.
Gawd I might just cry, but I have to stop pretending that I'm going to win the lottery or a miracle will happen and my debt will disappear. I'm almost 25, I need to be responsible.
Perhaps if I can get this under control the rest of my life will find balance and contentment. It isn't the New Year yet but I'm making my resolutions now.
I WILL CONTROL MY LIFE, RATHER THEN CONTINUING TO ALLOW MY LIFE & PAST DECISIONS CONTROL ME.


1 Comment

Good thing I can afford to buy us both lunch then hey? ;) 20% tip and all! You'll be fine!
Posted 12/12/2006 8:26 PM by Karmyhn - delete - block user