Visualizing

I joined U weight loss last week and let me tell you...not cheap! but they are guaranteeing I'll loose AT LEAST 2lbs a week if not more and I want the body that can wear a bikini and look sexy in it. Since they guarantee 2lbs a week and I want to drop 42lbs, I'm on the program for 21 weeks (I was 172 when I started).

On Monday's weigh in I was down 3 3/4lbs already, although yesterday I was the same. Marcia has shed 5.25lbs already and she started a day after me.

I realize that I am going to have to introduce an exercise plan in soon or this weight will take its sweet time falling off. Just one of many things I know I need to do better.

My goal for this weekend though is my house. I don't know why its been so hard for me to get motivated to clean it but I can't stand it!

Rather then running away or hiding from things I don't like in my life I want to fix them. And then, if I still don't like something I can try something different. But this idea that I continue to have that the grass is always greener somewhere else isn't helping me. I need to be the change that I want so badly.

I believe that if I make the changes necessary I will be happier and hopefully that will invite more happiness into my life, IE a relationship!

So here are the areas that I will be working on (nothing new really) and tracking:

Body & Health

1. Loss 42lbs by March 2008
2. Train and Run the 1/2 Marathon (beating my time by at least a 1/2 hour) at the Manitoba Marathon in June
3. Tan for Mexico

Finances

1. Repay loan to parents by Dec 2008
2. Repay consolidation loan by Oct 2010
3. Repay student LC by Oct 2010
4. Start a RRSP by Dec 2007
5. Find a way to make $10k more a year

House

1. Clean and Organize house this weekend
2. Replace flooring for the entire upstairs suite (2008)
3. Paint (November 2007)

Misc

1. Finish BA by May 2007, no matter what!
2. Get Data Entry up to date at work by Nov 15th 2007
3. Start applying for a new job, at least one a week.
   

motivation

Yesterday I finished my resume and cover letter, and then after work I went to Telus and got my own cell phone so that I'm not dependent on my work phone to stay in contact with people. Its one more step to closure to change and not feeling dependent on my current job. I faxed my resume this morning to the province for an Office Manager position for Manitoba family services and housing. Its a $40k salary but they are looking for someone with a degree as well as experience. Granted I'm one course away from qualifying but I figured I would give it a shot. Its not like I NEED this particular position but it would be nice if it works out:)

Once I did that I felt a lot more motivated to actually follow through with others things I want to change in my life. Mainly my appearance. I am NOT happy currently with my weight, being almost 40lbs above your ideal weight isn't what I call great.

Marcia and I made appointments for this Thursday at the U weight loss clinic. I realize that I have failed at too many diets and exercise plans in the past but I'm hoping that if I'm accountable to someone that I might be able to stick to this for more the a few weeks. They only want you to loose 2lbs per week which means I'll be lucky to drop 15lbs for Mexico but it would be better then nothing and I would definitely feel a lot better in a bathing suit.

I going to go tanning after work today and am going to start going on a regular basis again since I have the minutes paid for already. Being tanned rather then pasty white will help me fell not so much like a beached whale.

My goal is that in 4 months my body will resemble Charisma Carpenter's. One she is my height and has a similar body type (aka curvy) and two she's gorgeous.

moody

I'm in one of my 'why can't I find a decent relationship' moods again. I suppose it was inevitable, I haven't had anything serious since Darryl and that's been over a year now. Although I've dated and have had guys interested nothing has swept me away.

Since this mood is occupying my thoughts lately, I have been going over what I want and think that what I want the most is someone that will let me love them unconditionally. Although having someone love me also is ideal, what I'm missing the most is being able to care for someone else.

It also doesn't stop me from wanting the perfect man either. I just wish I knew how to find him! Why is it so hard to find some one that is smart, attractive, witty, kind & assertive, and most importantly someone with all those traits who also is attracted to me enough to pursue me.

Its soooooooo frustrating. People all around me are in relationship after relationship and I'm just getting by. I so want to be swept up in a romance right now!

two sides

I feel like I'm living with two distinct personalities, or at least in the area of where I see myself now and what I want to do in the future.



One side feels that a move to The Pas, back to a small town, to a slower pace, where I could open a business would be the best move. A less stressful move. I like the idea of living in a small town and I would like to get involved in helping make the town better. There are so many committees and organizations I could be part of. I would feel like I was part of a community. I also think that it would be a great place to build my own sustainable home.



The other side of me thinks that I'm not down with urban living and want to continue with my career in administration. That I enjoy dressing up and going into an office for a company that isn't my own. Regardless of my stress from my current position I would like to continue in the role of an assistant for someone else. Devil wears Pradaish jobs do have their appeal for me. I like the accessibility to restaurants and entertainment that a city offers.

financially responsible

Earlier this week CIBC offered to consolidate my visa, something that I managed to rack up again only a few months after my mother gave me a loan (good on me). So today they put the money on my account and with the exception of a few hundred dollars that will be on there from Norwex and groceries that went on after the loan approval I have a clean slate. I phoned in and reduced my limit, I asked for $2000 but then I also asked for them to switch me to the aerogold card so that I could start accumulating points so that I can afford to take a trip next year and that card requires I have a $5000 minimum limit so I've decided to give my self a test run. If it looks like I'm holding a balance I'm going to reduce the card to $2k and get rid of the aeroplan. I REALLY hope I've matured. You would think I've learned my lesson by now!



The reason I wanted to switch to aerogold was I figure I could start accumulating points to go to New York (approx 50000) or Europe next year since I will be processing my norwex orders through them. I could also (if my budgeting is under control) pay groceries & gas with it.

I'm hoping I'm able to prove to myself and others that I'm financially responsible now...

Otherwise getting a business in the near future is almost out of the question!

being more realistic

As much as I would love to buy a property and even start a business in The Pas, thus getting me out of my current situation I realize that I need to do things a little more reasonably.

I crunched some numbers and even if I went back down to a $12/hr job I would still have enough money to make my loan payments so long as I continued with Norwex and was able to subsidize my income for an addition $500 in commission a month (which is approx 3 presentations/month). Granted if I'm at home I probably won't be having as high of expenses in other areas so it might not be that bad. Also I may be able to get a job that pays more (which is ideal as I think I'm definitely worth more then $12/hr now)

I should finish my degree too, since its only a matter of ONE class. The online course that I wanted to take this semester but was full is being offered again next semester. I sent in my registration but I think it might be full so we'll see what happens. There really isn't much else available and I like the idea of taking the online one as I have the option of moving back to The Pas as soon as I have the nerve to quit verses waiting till April which means I will probably NOT quit at all since the next season will be starting. Here's hoping I get in to this one. I guess I could look into taking a course at UCN that could transfer to my UofW degree too.

So what I need to do is close off my loose ends here, at work with my overdue data entry and at home with the disorder, mess & unfinished reno. Once that's sorted out I should put in my resignation and be back in The Pas for the new year.

Or should I stay in the city and get a different job, pay back my loans and then if I still want to move back I can? Right now I'm in the "run away, far away for my current life" mood...a mood that seems to be very prevalent in my life lately. I would like to get back to the pace that The Pas offers but maybe a change of careers here could do the same thing? Well I think my first goal should be to clean up the loose ends by the end of November (that's 2 months so I've given myself room to procrastinate) once that's sorted I can re-evaluate where I want to be.

So with that said I suppose I should start tracking my progress to keep myself on track. Today I'm going to start with the data entry as much as I hate it and see what I can accomplish.

On a completely different note, its Wednesday and I haven't heard from Mike since our date on Friday and since we were suppose to go shopping the next day we didn't talk about making another date. See what I mean about slow? The worst thing is that I haven't really thought that much about him in the last 5 days either. Not good, not good at all.

another idea

Marcia called me last Friday and gave me the heads up on a few commercial properties in The Pas that have come up for sale listed around $100,000.00. They each have a store front and approximately 3 apartments. These apartments should more then cover the monthly mortgage payments and technically I could even live in one if I didn't want to stay with mom & dad. Tempting...beyond tempting what with my unhappiness with my career right now but there's a bit of a problem. I'm not sure I can think of a viable business to open and if that's the case maybe others can't either so I wouldn't be able to rent it out either. I would much rather open my own business then rent it out though. I just don't want something that would make me go bankrupt and I need enough to pay the bills.



Ideally I would love a used bookstore but I'm not sure that would go over well what with amazon & chapters shipping books now, people can always order what they can't find at extra food's bestsellers shelf. Not to mention the library and the college's bookstore. I would like to think it could work but I'm not sure.



Not to mention I've never actually worked in a bookstore and I would be starting from scratch. I realize that I'm continuously talking about opening one dream business after another but quite frankly I hate my job. I do not want to work for other people for the rest of my life and I figure sooner or later I have got to find a business that will work. Tonight I'm going to actually read that book on starting and running an online bookstore that I bought over a year ago. If its promising maybe I should consider trying that as well as looking for a part time job working at a used bookstore. One step at a time. and I don't even know if it would work in The Pas but I can't stop dreaming!

Another Date

Mike and I met for lunch on Friday, the first date since our first kiss. Being a lunch date I am on a fixed time frame so there isn't much to report. We ate & talked and I was back at work in less then an hour. No followup kiss by the way.


I don't know though. I like him, he's smart and funny and we always have things to talk about but I'm feeling like we are going too slow. K had mentioned that he wanted to take things slow, whether this was because of past relationships gone bad or other reasons I don't know, and I'm OK with slow. I don't want a guy professing his love to me after a month and expecting commitment but this seems to be going really really slow. To slow for me I think. We've been dating for over a month now and have gone on only 5 dates, had one kiss and I really don't feel like I know him that well, which is kinda surprising since we never stop talking on the dates (unless a movie is on).

I think there needs to be a happy medium between what is happening right now and going fast.

I want to feel PURSUED and I don't. I know he likes me as he's the one that asked me out originally and sets all of our dates but I'm starting to feel like that's not enough. Call me crazy but I would like a little passion, and I'm not referring to sex, although that would be nice. As much as I enjoy dating and even being in a relationship I want the other person to want me around as much as possible. Its hard though because when I say this I feel like I'm being a 'girl' like guys always bitch about. Saying we want one thing and then getting upset that we don't have another. I want to feel pursued but I don't want to feel smothered. Now I'm not feeling smothered which is great but I just think there is a little more room to pursue with out getting to that smothering stage yet.

Honestly at this point I feel more like friends then like we are dating. I'm willing to give it some more time as one, he has potential of being great; two, he's K's friend and she thinks highly of him; & three, I don't have any other prospects right now so whats my rush (terrible I know). Basically if this guy was a stranger that asked me out and not K's close friend I probably would have pulled away by now and said it isn't worth it but I feel like I should 'give him another chance' and be patient since they are friends. Perhaps things will change. I just am afraid that if it continues this way and I stay I'll be settling for a relationship that isn't right for me.

I don't think I ask all that much from a relationship and I'm not being unrealistic assuming my relationship would mirror one of my romance novels or a movie but I do want to feel like the guy really wants to be around me and not only as friends. I want there to be a bit more passion/spark between us too.

Basically I want be pursued and I'm not getting that right now.