Getting help.

Yesterday I had my first visit with a personal counsellor. I am seeing one at the University of Winnipeg as its free. Figure if I feel I need more I can always find one that I have to pay for but right now Lorraine is very nice.

I started the session by trying to explain my problem of continuously motivation whenever I seem to be doing really well. That I slip and have a hard time getting back on track. That it frustrates me that I can't complete things successfully.

So far she says that it sounds like I have a 'fear of success' and tend to 'sabotage' myself when I feel things aren't going to be 'perfect'. Nothing completely new to me but it is nice to sit down with some and start sorting out my issues instead of having theories jumbled up in my mind and no clear view on how to tackle them.

I'm suppose to think of things I would like to continue to happen in my life for next session, as I talked mostly about what I want to change yesterday. Its hard though. Aside for my relationship with my immediate family and close friends I can't think of anything that I wouldn't want to change at least a little right now. Perhaps its just a stage in my life?

She also gave me a Value Checklist for choosing a career. I'm going to finish it tonight. I'll be interested to see if its what I thought it would be.

I now I need to tackle my procrastination habits now or they are going to get worse. But again its that motivation issue that always seems to stop me.

I mentioned that I work best when I feel others are depending on the outcome and are affected directly by my work. (i.e. having a running buddy got me running regularly, no 'buddy' no running; working on group projects in class resulted in B-A+, no groups there was a good chance that I failed or performed at a really low level). Knowing this I should probably create 'buddy' systems in more of my tasks but right now I don't have someone that I can do that with. I tried with my family but I don't see the results I want and my friends have their own issues right now. So I'm thinking on it.

My dad has decided to come for a visit to 'talk' with me, as he's concerned that I'm following in his foot steps. I am touched that he cares this much although I worry about the potential water fall of emotions I will probably experience.

Do you ever just get those feelings...?

Recently I came to a potentially crazy realization...I was never going to meet the man of my dreams working where I am or doing what I do. Granted there are many reasons for my desire to change career paths but this is possibly the most irrational and yet makes the most sense to me.

I've been watching Buffy and Angel a lot lately and to carry on my obsession with David Boreanaz I bought Bones season one on DVD and downloaded season two (it will be purchased just as soon as its out in September!). I think I like the characters even more then buffy/angel ones. The biggest draw for me is the relationships between them. I'm a fan but I'm not one of those crazy ones, I know the difference between reality and fiction, I know the actors are not the characters. That if I meet them on the street they wouldn't be the same. But there is something about characters like David Boreanaz's role as Angel and Booth or Nathan Fillion's Mal (in Firefly/Serenity) to name a couple. A man who embodies the alpha man role, seems so sure of himself, and yet has a few skeletons in his closet and vulnerabilities. Some one that's loyal to those he cares about and knows that he can treat a woman like a lady and an equal at the same time. That he enjoys a good argument, sarcasm and an intelligent women. Plus much more. People say that its a romanticized notion but I don't believe that our entire culture can create fictional character upon fictional character that fits this description and yet there aren't ones in real life. Of course wanting him to have a body of a god is perhaps asking too much, but a girl can still hope.

There something else too. I want the relationship with that man that you see in these fictional worlds. Not to just date a guy that's hot. Its hard to explain but there's just that 'something' that I don't feel that I've ever had. That feeling that you are talking to your bestest friend and that no matter what happens they have your back. I want that. Things like sex are just perks!:)

That's what I want and am looking for, and have decided that working in an office for a small company isn't going to get me any closer to finding that man. Nor is the continual online dating and other services. So among a thousand other reasons, that's why I need a new career.