Getting help.

Yesterday I had my first visit with a personal counsellor. I am seeing one at the University of Winnipeg as its free. Figure if I feel I need more I can always find one that I have to pay for but right now Lorraine is very nice.

I started the session by trying to explain my problem of continuously motivation whenever I seem to be doing really well. That I slip and have a hard time getting back on track. That it frustrates me that I can't complete things successfully.

So far she says that it sounds like I have a 'fear of success' and tend to 'sabotage' myself when I feel things aren't going to be 'perfect'. Nothing completely new to me but it is nice to sit down with some and start sorting out my issues instead of having theories jumbled up in my mind and no clear view on how to tackle them.

I'm suppose to think of things I would like to continue to happen in my life for next session, as I talked mostly about what I want to change yesterday. Its hard though. Aside for my relationship with my immediate family and close friends I can't think of anything that I wouldn't want to change at least a little right now. Perhaps its just a stage in my life?

She also gave me a Value Checklist for choosing a career. I'm going to finish it tonight. I'll be interested to see if its what I thought it would be.

I now I need to tackle my procrastination habits now or they are going to get worse. But again its that motivation issue that always seems to stop me.

I mentioned that I work best when I feel others are depending on the outcome and are affected directly by my work. (i.e. having a running buddy got me running regularly, no 'buddy' no running; working on group projects in class resulted in B-A+, no groups there was a good chance that I failed or performed at a really low level). Knowing this I should probably create 'buddy' systems in more of my tasks but right now I don't have someone that I can do that with. I tried with my family but I don't see the results I want and my friends have their own issues right now. So I'm thinking on it.

My dad has decided to come for a visit to 'talk' with me, as he's concerned that I'm following in his foot steps. I am touched that he cares this much although I worry about the potential water fall of emotions I will probably experience.