**Editor's note: During this post I was quite simply crazy. Because I was currently emotional about my fight and I was also in one of my depressed mood swings (that last over a month!) I was alittle over dramatic about my actual feelings for 'him'. Although I care deep about him as a friend, the other emotions I was 'feeling' was mostly because I was trying to avoid my current situation. Like I said CRAZY. And I don't feel much more then a strong friendship bond with him now that I'm back to normal.***
After emotionally draining myself, during a good hour and a half of crying spent mostly infront of my friends, I have to face the fact that I am royally fucked when it comes to personality flaws. Why could I not be the girl that is shallow, or the one that withdraws and hates everyone? Rather my traits that causes my heart to ache on one too many occasions is my inability to not care what others think of me, thus making me an easy target for manipulation and guilt. I want people to like me. Hell I NEED them to NEED ME, depend on me. And from past experience I've found that being nice got me there a hell of a lot faster then not. So I've made it a habit to rarely say no to friends' requests and always be the understanding ear to listen to their problems, no matter how big. By doing so I tend to attract the complete opposite in personality to me...takers. I love these people. They are usually as if not more fucked up then me and they are more then willing to take me for all I'm worth, allowing me to feel needed and in my warped sense of reality loved. Well that is until one day I decide that I don't want to be little miss agreeable and do something out of character, then they decided that it is ME that is being unreasonable and paint me the bad guy. But because I have grown to love the relationship we share, because I have seen past their rough outer shell & see them as good people, and mostly because as I mentioned before I'm a sucker for guilt and manipulation, I start to believe that it IS my fault and that I was unreasonable.
I'm tired of this...I know I'll go back to 'good old me' in a day or so and gladly recruit a new player to take advantage of me but right now I've had enough. I wish I was wired differently.
What sucks the most is that the one guy I like that I feel gets me, who knows my weaknesses...hell exploits them to his own benefit on a regular basis...but still seems to see the complete me and remains my friend, doesn't want me as anything more then a friend because of said weaknesses. Yet I pursue a sexual relationship with him and convince everyone, including myself, that that's all it is. That I attach no relationship value to sex and hold no attachments. But the thing is I can do this because I've already invested ALL of my emotions/attachments into my friendship with him. If he were to end, or even halt, our friendship because of, well anything, but most specifically another woman I would see a beautiful roller coaster of emotions come my way, unless I bury it deep in denial which is a very likely option. Hell I want to destroy the current object of his obsession and she isn't EVER going to let him be with her. Not to mention the emotions that start spinning around me when he jokes about wanting to sleep with my close female friends...especially because I find them a lot more attractive then me and thus plays right into my insecurities. Knowing all this and realizing that it is completely unhealthy is not enough for me to stop. I can't. It's like a drug.
Needing people, especially him, to like and need me back is an addiction that I don't want to quite.
I just need to develop a tougher skin. Put up stronger walls and not let people in completely...not let them affect me so much.
The potential of loosing one of my best female friends tonight over a stupid MSN fight has put a strain on me. I'm not interest in growing as a person sociably right now, not interested in finding Mr. Right via the dating world because I know it would never happen with him.
I need to reinvent myself. Become more cynical.
I'm tired of this...I know I'll go back to 'good old me' in a day or so and gladly recruit a new player to take advantage of me but right now I've had enough. I wish I was wired differently.
What sucks the most is that the one guy I like that I feel gets me, who knows my weaknesses...hell exploits them to his own benefit on a regular basis...but still seems to see the complete me and remains my friend, doesn't want me as anything more then a friend because of said weaknesses. Yet I pursue a sexual relationship with him and convince everyone, including myself, that that's all it is. That I attach no relationship value to sex and hold no attachments. But the thing is I can do this because I've already invested ALL of my emotions/attachments into my friendship with him. If he were to end, or even halt, our friendship because of, well anything, but most specifically another woman I would see a beautiful roller coaster of emotions come my way, unless I bury it deep in denial which is a very likely option. Hell I want to destroy the current object of his obsession and she isn't EVER going to let him be with her. Not to mention the emotions that start spinning around me when he jokes about wanting to sleep with my close female friends...especially because I find them a lot more attractive then me and thus plays right into my insecurities. Knowing all this and realizing that it is completely unhealthy is not enough for me to stop. I can't. It's like a drug.
Needing people, especially him, to like and need me back is an addiction that I don't want to quite.
I just need to develop a tougher skin. Put up stronger walls and not let people in completely...not let them affect me so much.
The potential of loosing one of my best female friends tonight over a stupid MSN fight has put a strain on me. I'm not interest in growing as a person sociably right now, not interested in finding Mr. Right via the dating world because I know it would never happen with him.
I need to reinvent myself. Become more cynical.
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